Chapter 10: June (2)

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When H opens the door to his childhood bedroom, he's about to ask how C is feeling, but finds him standing in the middle of the room in his underwear pacing and then immediately C goes to him, kissing him without saying a word.

"Wait," H manages to say between kisses. "W-"

"Your father is gone for a few hours," C says, barely pausing. "I'm okay now," he adds before kissing him again.

H takes C gently by the shoulders and softly pushes him so that a couple of inches give H space to look at him.

"Are you sure?" he asks.

C looks like he hasn't slept, although that is not necessarily new. But there is also something in his eyes that H can't read.

"I just -" C detaches himself from H and paces the room once before looking back into his eyes. "I need you - to pin me down."

H's eyes open wide and dark. Immediately something rises within him. The days of trying to stay apart. And the stress of not hearing from C and imagining everything that could have gone wrong. And also love for this boy learning to say what he wants and what he needs - and what he needs being to be pressed against something after the night they've both had. And a yearning stirring low in his stomach. And they want to smile but they've also never taken anything more seriously in his life. And relief washes over them. They'll talk later. There is always later.

H extends a hand which C takes. They nod.

"Come here," they say. "Let's start again."

And now they kiss. And now H takes off their top and their pants as C watches. And now H takes off C's underwear. Now H takes him to bed. They giggle as H rummages through his old bedside table for lubricant. And now H presses the weight of their body on top of C's.

***

"How was that?" H asks in the shower later.

C lets out a contented "mmh." Then he turns around and looks into H's face. "Thank you," he says.

Once they are back in bed, C - a bit sore and a bit happy and his mind quieter - thinks back to what sex was like before he met H.

"You know, we never talked about it but, before we started having sex - it's not just that I'd only ever done penetration with women. I'd actually never done penetration with anyone."

H looks at him and doesn't say anything.

"There'd been a few people. But I could never take it any further than - touching. It'd just feel weird and - not right. And it just wasn't something I wanted to do." He pauses and sighs. "I thought there was something wrong with me."

"You know that sex without penetration is still sex, right?" H says softly. "And you know there is nothing wrong with not wanting any of it?"

"I know. But I couldn't understand why - even when I found people beautiful and charming and I liked them, I didn't really want to get naked with them. I didn't get myself. They were perfectly ok and they wanted that with me." He pauses again. "I thought for a while that that was just one more way that my work and my career had messed me up. I couldn't connect with people like that."

"How do you feel now? Does it still feel wrong?"

"No! I always wanted sex with you from the first time we had it. It was new and unfamiliar but it always felt right. And I see you and you're so beautiful - I see you - and I love you and it's nothing like the feeling I had with those other people. Just like I want to keep talking with you forever, I also want to stay clothes off with you forever. I love feeling you pressed against me. I love getting to be inside of you. And - I loved you inside me too."

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