My thinly veiled peace had been draped over myself like a dainty dinner napkin, trying unsuccessfully to catch the crumbs of half-eaten reassurances, shoved into my mouth in a desperate attempt to stop crying for the fifth time that week. But each time I would choke or scrape my mouth with the fork, reminding myself that the shaking in my hand isn't easy to stop.
I do not recognize myself in the mirror once again. My hair passes my shoulders but I have yet to reach my goal. Instead I take each hour by itself, coaxing the scars to fade so I can simply survive the grueling 60 minutes of self loathing, self deprecating concoction that spewed in tears and drowned the rational part of my mind.
The week has compiled itself into a train, touring all the old places I wish I could forget. All the old feelings I wish I didn't miss. All of the scars I can't seem to get rid of. I am not in control of the train, nor do I know where it's going. Eventually I will be left alone to fend for myself in the piles of sludge that build up in my mind over the course of a day. I know that feeling everything in the span of an hour is better than feeling nothing, but my arms ache from spinning the emotion wheel and throwing dimes onto the spaces I want the wheel to stop at. I have spent six dollars and so far happiness has only surfaced for $1.20.
I am fighting with the fundamental, disparate nature of the situation I am in. It may seem to the on-looker of the axiomatic solution, but I have nailed my feet to the floorboards of the train and fear bleeding out if I was to remove myself. Instead some hours I am simply waiting for the axiom. Other hours I can't feel the nails at all.
The wheel is starting to spin out of control, and the dinner napkin is damp and dirty. I can't get up from the table. I still feel the pain of the splinters when it was flipping over in front of me. The embers still burn outside. I am trying to make a home in the desolate ruins. But the foundation is cracked, and my medicated cement isn't drying quick enough. I don't know how to help myself anymore.
