GABRIELLE
MY STOMACH was rumbling as I walked along the empty hallway to our classroom. My lips were dry and chapped, and my stomach was currently complaining about the calling of starvation. I just ate two pieces of bread that cost five pesos each in the bakery in front of our school. However, they were not enough to satisfy the emptiness of my stomach.
Despite the growling of monsters in my stomach, I forced myself to move forward and refused to be enticed by the pull of the aroma of food coming from the pantry behind me. Kahit naman gusto kong kumain, wala akong magagawa dahil wala akong extra. Hindi ko naman p'wedeng kainin ang baon ko, dahil kakainin ko pa mamaya 'yon sa lunch.
I continued walking toward our classroom despite the loud growling of my stomach. No'ng nakapasok na ako ay agad naman akong pinagtinginan ng iilang mga kaklase ko. Who wouldn't look at me? Compared to their luxurious bags, signature shoes, and a uniform that would cost more than my life, I was just wearing an old uniform I got from a seller near our house. Pinaglumaan niya ata 'to at hindi na gagamitin.
I wouldn't lie, sometimes, I felt envious of their lives. Hindi naman siguro maiiwasan 'yon, 'no? I was born with nothing. At an early age, I was forced to work for the things I wanted, for the things I needed. Sa puder ni Lola, hindi p'wede ang mga bagay na hindi ko naman kakailanganin.
I grew up with my Lola. Ang kakaunting pera galing sa kaniyang pensyon ang bumuhay sa amin. When I entered college, it was not enough to sustain our lives. Mabuti nalang at natanggap ako sa scholarship na inapply'an ko. Bukod pa roon, nagtatrabaho ako bilang kasambahay sa isang mayamang pamilya.
"Hi, Gabby," tawag ng isa kong kaklase. Hindi ko alam pangalan.
Uminit ang pisngi ko at ngumiti nang tipid. How rude of me! She knew my name while I didn't know hers. Siguro dahil dito ay wala akong nagiging kaibigan. When they asked me to go to some Cafe, I always declined. If may group review sila, palagi akong wala. They knew that I was not part of their circle, and I was not in the same societal status as them, and they understood. Mabait naman mostly sa kanila, at kahit na walang wala ako, hindi naman nila pinaramdam na hindi ko kabilang sa klase.
Tumango ako sa iilang bumati sa 'kin. To be honest, despite the years of being with them, it was still so hard for me to mingle with them. There was this invisible barrier between our worlds. Kahit na sabihing mababait sila, hindi sila mapangmata gaya ng iba, hindi ko pa ring maiwasang maging insecure sa estado ng buhay ko.
That was why I was striving to study and graduate. I wanted to work in the corporate world; I wanted to become the woman I envisioned for myself someday. I read books that were written by self-made millionaires, and most of them were women.
I did have limited access to books, I did not have the luxury it required to collect non-fiction or self-help books. Kaya ang ginagawa ko ay pumupunta nalang ako sa school library or kung minsan ay sa Provincial Library nalang din. Gustong-gusto ko magbasa ng mga akdang nagbibigay ng inspirasyon sa aking magsumikap.
The reason why I thrived to succeed was to get her out of prison— a place she did not deserve to be in. She was just a victim of the unjust justice system of my fucked up country. After I got her out of the cell, we would get out of here.
I loved Ilocos; I loved Vigan. I will always be loyal to the place I was born and raised in. However, I could not just stomach the unfairness of things.
Huminga ako nang malalim bago umupo sa pinakalikod na upuan. I did not want to sit at the front where everybody could see my back. For me, it was uncomfortable to sit in front where people at my back would be able to judge me without my notice. Every time I was placed in a crowded confine, the snake of anxiety coiled around my throat like it was about to cut my breathing until darkness started to dot my vision, and until everything felt suffocating.
