GABRIELLE
THE EERIE howl of the wind slipped through the crack of the window. I could feel the cold cradle of the wind as they climbed up my body. Outside the window showed the chaotic surroundings. The weather forecast last night informed us about the incoming typhoon.
I hated this kind of weather— chaotic and messy. It reminded me of what happened that night. A night filled with memories that would forever plague my peace of mind. I could feel the thick blood that trickled down my face. I could still feel his fingers on my skin. A scream ripped out of my lips, burning my lungs until I almost forgot how to breathe.
You're safe now, Gabby. I mentally cooed myself. I wanted to believe that I was indeed safe. But I was . . . I was safe. He was no longer here to hurt me. However, despite the words I tried to feed into my head, I could not stop the lingering thoughts playing in my head.
Shaking my head, I rose from my bed and walked to the window. It was 3 AM, and the thick silence that engulfed the sleeping street was so heavy it pressed on my chest. A lungful of air slipped out of my mouth as I watched the trees dancing within the shadows of the night. They were like screaming monsters ready to devour anyone on sight.
Under the moonless sky, covered with a thick bank of clouds, outside looked like a canvas of chaos and disaster. The screams of the leaves entwined with the howl of the wind resonated, but it did not pacify the raging in my chest. Hindi na naman ako makakatulog nito.
I needed to feel pain, something to evade my attention from the chaos brewing inside of me. I knew I promised myself that I would never cut myself again, but I needed it. I needed to feel something, to feel pain. I needed it as if my life depended on it. With that, I walked toward my drawer and pulled out my blade. From the pale glow that was filtered through the window, the edge of the blade blinked dangerously in my fingers.
The cuts and slashes on my wrist had long since healed, only the marks that created a tendril of memories that would forever remind me that I inflicted pain on my body to divert my attention from the pain of my past. I knew that it was just a short period of diversion, but I just needed to escape from it. The pain of my past would forever follow me, nip into my brain, and create chaos in my heart, and I did not know how to completely escape that— I had to settle on something, even if it was temporary.
I had been doing this for years. It started when I accidentally cut myself when I was cooking. During that time, I was anxious and depressed, and so fuckings sad. The pain and the unending guilt had taken a toll on my body that I couldn't think straight. So, when the pain that zipped through me somehow pacified my raging inside, I became addicted to physical pain. It was addicting and consuming. I knew it was bad, and I might eventually end up dying in my own pool of blood, but for now, nothing could stop me.
One cut.
Two cuts.
Blood.
Drip.
My mind was engulfed with darkness as I stared at the blood dripping from the cuts I just created on my waist. Pain erupted on my skin, but my body was buzzing with satisfaction. The threat of monsters had gone the moment my blood trickled through my skin. I closed my eyes as I clenched my fingers.
No one knew about this. I always make sure I wear my wristwatch. Mabuti nalang at wala akong kaibigan. I did not have to put much effort into hiding this disturbing thing I was doing to my body.
🦋🦋🦋
THE soft press of the drizzle that created perfect tendrils of tiny crystals falling from the ash-gray skin was pacifying as I walked toward our building. The wind that gusted against my face hummed in a slow caress. I was always in awe when it came to this kind of weather. I loved it. I liked it.
