The Animal Kingdom

Hyenas

"When people talk about the Animal kingdom the Lions are always the first, but are they really the kings of the jungle? Well, let's ask their mortal enemy, the Hyenas."

Hi, I'm Simon and we're exactly the way movies portray us to be, but a teensy bit worse. But first why do humans say we're part of the dog family? I mean sure we look a little bit alike, which I don't see by the way, but ew! Those nutjobs could never look as cute, so no! We're definitely not part of the dog family, especially those ones kept as pets, ugh! Such a disgrace, they should be in the wild, hunting and not laying on their owners' torsos, that's the part that should be eaten; anyway, less talk about them and more about us.

First off, we're not members of the dog family like I mentioned, and neither are we members of the cats. We have our own stunning family, the Hyaenidae, yeah, even I can't pronounce the name, and under them there are four species: the brown Hyena (the ugliest), the striped Hyena (I call them short, brown Zebras), the Aardwolf (definitely not wolves) and the main guys, us, the spotted Hyenas, oh we're too sexy and definitely not proud, but not to brag I was actually one of characters in the Lion king, I mean sure they didn't really mention my name or whatever, but I was there and you know what I actually found out? We're actually more related to cats than dogs, and I thought maybe our antecedents were hybrids of a cat (considering the fact that we have feline features, like cats) mixed with some other animal, but I did the math and it didn't click so no! We're not hybrids.

People call us, spotted hyenas, the "laughing hyenas." Just because we have an impeccable sense of humour doesn't mean you have to name us that, but asides the "laughter" you guys think you hear, we actually make those vocalisations at the point of frustration, threat, nervousness, excitement and when we call out for others.

We work in clans as we "laugh" our way towards our meal. When we don't feel like hunting which is most of the time, we'd wait for a carnivore to get a score for us, but boy we love trouble, there's something about a Lion's score that we just can't resist, especially the lone ones and mm-mm! Do I smell a freshly killed Wildebeest, I love those guys! I'll be right back... Whoopsie, made a mistake there, that was my cousin and of course I pounced right in, I couldn't resist, food has been quite scarce so don't you judge me, but don't worry he died before he was slashed opened, he choked on grass, I can't believe he actually tried eating grass, but no animal can be compared to the Wildebeest although we're not picky with our food, I literally just ate my cousin (giggles) we eat other stuff like snakes, they think they could just slither on our grounds and we wouldn't do anything? Nah, they're like spaghetti for us and just any other creature with blood, unlike the other specie of Hyenas, but I'll talk about that later. There's no animal we don't eat, at least I haven't had the time to think about it, even the Lions, we eat them, ugly punks thinking they're better than us, I hate them so much, the males look like dufuses with that mane of theirs and don't get me started with their bald females and of course you ask, "why do you Hyenas hate Lions?" well I'll answer that, for some reason unknown to us Hyenas you humans call them the "King of the Jungle" I mean you have got to be kidding me right? Those guys? Come on! Wake up! That's absurd, really. Contrary to what you guys think we're way more intelligent than an average carnivore including the cats. We are enthusiastic, smart and boy I can't forget good looking. We don't like them because of how proud they are, and they don't even hide it, we clearly have the stronger bite: 1,100 psi, a bite strong enough to break their feeble skulls and our ability to cooperate with our pack is top notch. We don't waste food, if not for the blood of my cousin on the ground over there trust me, you wouldn't have thought someone was slain, and there are many other stuff, so many of them, but you know they actually scare us off our feast, sure we do the same, but as so called kings that is not right, that is bullying and yet they're the Kings of the Jungle? Give me a break.