"hey beautiful." i heard billie's voice say from the other side of the room.
my eyes lifted to look at her through the mirror that i had been sitting in front of for a very very long time, just staring.
"hey bils." i spoke, my voice a little deflated than it usually was.
truthfully, staring at myself in the mirror was a sure way for me to dampen the mood that i was in as i always seemed to point out my flaws.
sure i never truly hated my body or was absolutely repulsed by it but finding something that i was even slightly not happy with could ruin my whole day.
"what's wrong?" she questioned, instantly picking up on my change in mood.
i shrugged, my eyes returning to the mirror in front of me as i tried my best to figure out my best fake smile that i could use to mask my face.
however i just couldn't seem to bring myself to act like i was happy.
in fact i struggled to even maintain eye contact with myself as it only continued to make me feel extremely uncomfortable in my own skin.
"has something happened?" billie questioned, her arms slumping over my shoulders.
i could feel body lean back into hers, the comfort of being close to her was enough to distract me from my own thoughts.
"i'm just...i don't know." i mumbled.
it wasn't uncommon for me to struggle to find the words to explain exactly how i felt or get my point across without sounding totally crazy.
yet this time, it felt different.
billie and i had this sort of unspoken mutual understanding that we both understood exactly how i was feeling.
"i just wanna be close to someone." i spoke, attempting to make sense of my feelings.
i was unsure where this need had specifically come from as i was usually such an independent and wrong person.
but, in this moment, i felt extremely vulnerable.
all of my emotions were on show and usually that would instantly be the start of me shutting down, but not today.
"close, how?" billie questioned.
i found myself shrugging, pretending that i didn't have an answer to her question already planned out in my head.
of course i knew exactly what i wanted, but voicing that always seemed to be so hard.
"i'm not gonna judge you y/n, i just want to know how i can help." she reassured me.
i want her to hold me because i don't trust anyone else.
i feel so safe in her arms and when i'm close to her which is why i choose to spend as much time around her as i possibly can.
"can you hold me? please." i spoke, my voice breaking slightly.
she didn't have to be asked twice, her body moving around to be in front of me as her arms wrapped tightly around me.
tears began to fall from my eyes at the feeling as it unlocked some of the emotions that i had kept tightly shut away.
"i'm sorry." i sobbed, my words barely audible.
however billie's response was the total opposite to how i felt about my little outburst.
"you don't need to apologise y/n, if you're feeling this way then i want you to be comfortable enough that you can share that with me." she explained.
it felt weird to hear that from another human as i was so used to being told that i was overreacting or being dramatic.
but i never understood why i was being called that when i was being honest about what was genuinely
effecting me.
surely being honest was better than lying?
"i don't know what's wrong with me, why am i like this?" i questioned.
i feel so deeply that i get hurt.
i hurt so badly that i have to hurt other people worse.
i don't understand myself so i pretend that i'm not feeling the way i am.
but why should i have to pretend?
i am who i am.
i can't change that.
and if that's not good enough then that's okay with me.
i've got billie who understands me.
who never judges me.
who never invalidates me.
who tries her best to help me.
who comforts me.
and i don't need anyone else.
