Wrong Choice

Chapter 5: Sunrise in Your Eyes

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Dear Darla,

You're not reading these letters. It hurts, but I only have myself to blame. I saw the stack of them you kept unopened under the kitchen bench. I've been thinking a lot about where I went wrong lately. Do you remember the first time I took you to the lake? The club was silent when I snuck you out, but Coco wasn't. She whined and thrashed her tail until my heart felt like it was going to fall out of my chest. By the time we got to the lake, I was shaking, waiting for Iron to call and say he knew my secret.

You reached over and squeezed my shoulder. It gave me enough pause to get my emotions in check. The lake was empty when we got there, at 5am it normally was. I saw the odd person walking their dog in the warmer months, but not when the air still had teeth. My breath puffed out in little clouds, and you let out a noise of surprise when I took my shirt off and wandered down the dock.

"You were serious about having a swim?" You asked, eyes bugging out of your head. I didn't answer, just took a running leap off the end. Let the frigid water steal my yelp as the cold water covered me. I was showing off. I usually slipped inch by inch, stifling noises and cursing myself out.

But even then, I wanted your eyes on me.

I never liked the color green. My dad got hooked on this nutrient scam, a powder of concentrated vitamins and minerals that he mixed up like a disgusting olive green shot. It reeked like ass and did nothing to stop him from withering away. No matter how many of the foul things he swallowed. But your green eyes? They had a way of piercing through my bullshit. Seeing past the tight layers that no-one else saw or cared to unravel.

You watched me that morning, and the water didn't seem so cold. Not with the awe plastered on your face. You dipped one toe in and declared I had a screw loose in my head. I grinned. Damn if it hadn't felt that way.

"Why do you do it?" You asked, whispering, although there was no need.

We were the only ones lucky enough to see the sky turn pastel pink, purple, and orange. For the color to drain away as the sun slid up over the pine trees. You put my jacket on over your own, and it smelled like you for the rest of the day. That night I wondered why the hell I was in such a damn good mood. I didn't realize it then, but I do now.

I know what I lost, my girl and I'd give anything to go back to the lake when you looked at me with the sunrise in your eyes.

You watched the sky, and I watched you. Your cheeks pink from the cold, the tip of your nose too. All freckles and wild curls. Your curves, and when you walked down the dock to go back to Sleepless Knights, your ass.

Should I be writing about how I lusted over your perfect cheeks? Probably not. But you're not reading these anyway, so it doesn't matter.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" You asked when I dunked myself underwater for the last time. I'd never told anyone I even went to the lake, let alone why I did it. But you were different. From the start, I should have clued in when it came pouring out of me. My dad and his illness. How I'd ended up at Grey Hogs trying to get money for his treatment. I didn't tell you about Taylor. And the gnawing guilt that kept me up at night. The rest of the club would do that the second they got the chance, and I wanted the bright curiosity to stay a little longer.

"I need something to make me feel alive. I'm freezing my nuts off, and I don't have a choice but to be here, in the moment."

Sharp heat caved my chest in when you didn't say anything. Stupid, so stupid, to be so honest. But then you stood up, tossed my jacket, and yours onto the faded wooden boards. You stripped down to your underwear and took a flying leap into the water.

I'll never forget the screech you made. Or the feeling of your frozen fingers finding me in the water and latching on like claws. You spluttered like a cat, and before I knew it, your legs wrapped around my waist.

"This is f-fucking stupid." You chattered in my ear. Not that I was paying attention, because for the first time I had you pressed up against me and even the cold water wasn't enough to kill the heat in my veins. I tried to ease you off, worried I was going to actually get a hard on. But you whimpered in my ear and begged me to hold you.

"I can't swim." You admitted, and the tension broke. We tipped our heads back and roared with laughter, so loud a flock of birds startled off the smooth, silver lake surface. Coco was whining on the dock, and two seconds later she was hurtling toward us. When I went to the lake on my own, I used to duck my head under until my lungs were on fire. Anything to stop the hunted feeling of worthlessness.

But with you in my arms, I hadn't even given it one thought. By the time we got back onto the dock, a slippery adventure all in itself, I was lighter than I could remember.

"Do you feel alive?" I asked you, and for some reason I cupped your cheek. I wanted to know if your skin felt as smooth as it looked. Silky cream that turned pink as you blushed.

"For the first time since I escaped Savage Sons."

I remember wanting to ask you more about what happened. But I didn't want any darkness to intrude on the moment. Subconsciously, I was desperate to protect you from the past, and that hasn't changed. Even though you still won't talk to me, I will always protect you. We toweled off and took Coco for a walk around the lake.

"Being outside is the only time I feel right in my skin." You admitted to me, and I don't know how I kept it together when you told me how your father controlled your every minute and forbid you from leaving the compound. The thing is, you were never beaten down by it. You didn't flinch when I offered you my jacket again. You had this twinkle in your eye, and I wondered how anyone could stifle such irrepressible energy.

As the cold wore off, my shell came back, and I tucked the smiles and laughter away in my chest like well earned prizes. You didn't know it yet, but no-one saw this side of me but you. I forgot it existed most of the time, trying so damn hard to keep it together at the club. Stay tough. Maybe that was why I invited you back so quickly, before we'd even pulled out of the car park. Maybe that was why my fingers itched to brush your wet tendrils over your ear.

"My hair is going to frizz so bad, but it was worth it. I still think you're crazy, though." You didn't seem to notice the way I couldn't keep my eyes on the road. How they were drawn like magnets back to you instead of the road.

I wanted to tell you your hair was beautiful. But I didn't. I shoved down the compliment and gave my insides an incredulous shake. She doesn't need a worthless guy sleazing all over her.

"You come to me, alright?" I said, when I found my wayward tongue. "You need anything, I've got you."

You blinked rapidly and looked out the window for a moment.

"It's gonna be a nice day." You said instead, and I knew what you were doing. Trying to change the subject. But it wouldn't work.

"I mean it. I'm going to look after you."

The idea didn't feel heavy like it did with my dad. It would be no imposition to care for such a bright light. In reality, you were the one looking after me. Wringing the bitterness out of my soul with each smile, each laugh.

I should have called you beautiful in that stuffy car cab. With the heater turned up to bring some warmth back to our chilled limbs. I was too worried about making sure I didn't intimidate you than the lake surrounds. I might have noticed the dark blue truck parked on the ridge. The same one that appeared the next day, and the next. I never put it together, too caught up in wanting your eyes on me. I didn't notice the long camera lens. I didn't notice the phone calls. I didn't notice when our paradise was breached and you were put in danger again.

But Darla, I said it that day, and I'll say it every day from now on.

You're beautiful.

I love you.

I will protect you.

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