Wrong Choice

Chapter 3: Silence

Dear Darla,

I wish I knew whether you were reading these. Whether they made a goddamn difference at all. You changed my life. From the very first moment I saw you, and you can laugh at me all you want. It's the truth. I'd gone for my morning swim in the lake and when I ducked under the water, I didn't want to resurface. My dad had taken a turn for the worse, and I was thinking, what the hell is the point? I'd spent most of my teen and adult life looking after him, and I had done horrendous things to keep him healthy and alive. What did I even have to look forward to if he passed away?

Fucking nothing.

I sold my soul to Grey Hogs to keep my dad safe, and I had blood on my hands because of it. The morning I saw you in the club's backyard, I'd been thinking whether it was worth even trying anymore.

I've never admitted that to anyone.

I'm not religious, but I think Coco saw how perfect we were for each other. Our pup drew me in and then I saw you. The bruises painted on your face made me feel like a fucking idiot. Here I was, getting upset about what I was doing with my life. When this incredible girl was fighting every inch to survive. Even if you did almost let me step in your pee.

Every day I went and submerged myself in frigid fucking water to try to feel something. But nothing made my heart jumpstart more than our conversation. I could tell you didn't trust me, and who could fucking blame you? Talking to you gave me a purpose that the club never could. I was never truly accepted there, although Iron would never admit it. They kept me close as a bargaining chip. Iron knew he could use me, and I'd do whatever dirty work they wanted done. Anything not to go back to the hellhole that was my previous club. You always wondered why I had a separate bathroom when they were usually given to the long-standing members? But my club treated me with such suspicion that they wouldn't even share a bathroom with me. I know you know the feeling of being out of control. Your dad kept you like a doll and I turned into someone else's puppet. Deciding to sneak Coco in and look after her was one of the first things I ever did to defy someone.

I'm weak. I've always been weak.

I wish I could take back what I said to you. Somehow travel back in time and punch myself in the jaw. You don't want to hear excuses, but you want honesty. I never knew who I was until I met you. But I know who I am now. I'm the kind of guy who can build a fire in a minute flat. Who fishes and drinks and listens to music until midnight. I like taking Coco for walks with you, even though it's really you walking and ignoring me while I follow a few steps behind. Listening to you hum again is the highlight of my day. I just wish it could be me that made you happy. I like spice, thanks to you introducing me to it. All these firsts I had were because of you, Dee. I want to add so many more.

Everything in my life had been to keep my dad alive, and when he died, it destroyed me. I've told you that a million times, I've written it in my letters. You don't trust me, and I get it. But I won't stop until I've earned back your trust again. Until you're truly free and can start living the way you always wanted.

Please, just talk to me again.

Rooster