Passion for War

Chapter 4:

It's been three months, and things have gotten worse. It's been agony for me and I am not sure how much longer I can keep pushing, holding onto a false idea that things will get better. Nothing has. I still have nightmares about Lucian, my transition has not been complete.

Instead of blacking out like before I suffer and endure the pain until the sun comes up. Bones broken and in awkward spaces and it forces me to have to move them back in place. Another few hours of agony. Valerie has been with me for every transition but I think she's also losing hope. I don't blame her, I would too if my strategies weren't working.

After what Valerie told me that I did before, I have been quite afraid to push through the process. Cole believes that's what is preventing me from shifting and like a good Alpha he is determined to help me push through that fear. I honestly remember nothing they told me I did and that scares me, what if I killed someone? I wouldn't be able to remember.

Fitz has been keeping a distance from me lately, probably because of the Anastasia situation. Do I care? Not really but the feeling of not having him close is strong.

Thea and I have grown closer though, so I suppose I do have one person to talk to. But it doesn't feel the same way it would with Grace.

I don't know if I will ever complete the transition, I hope to any God up there that I do. I don't know how long I can bear this pain. It has affected everything for me, my hearing is out of control. The noises are louder than I would like and healing has become a mission. Cole says in due time things will go back to normal but what is normal now?

There is currently a storm and the noise of the thunder woke me up from my sleep. Normally when the noises get loud, I sing to block out the sound and replace it with a memory of my mother singing to me. But tonight I can't bring myself to do so. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my parents death and for the first time in a while I will see my brothers as we visit their graves. I'm nervous to see them. Will they look at me differently? Will they hate me? So many possibilities swarm through my head and none of them are positive.

After a while the thunder settles but a new sound catches my attention. A voice, it's coming from all over the room but I can't locate the source. 'Go' I hear it say but I don't know where. "Hello?" I say but receive no response after a while, but a giggle startles me and I quickly stand on my feet and grab my knife on my bedside table. I keep it there for my own safety and sometimes to experiment but right now protection is its main purpose. "You're scaring me." the voice says but this time it's further away. Slowly I creep towards the door as I hear the muffled noises, I press my ear against the door and listen to the feminine voice. "Hello?" I try again and this time I receive a response, "Hello?" the voice calls, making my heart beat faster. "Come out, I won't hurt you." She says. I must be losing my mind to believe that there is anyone beyond this door. Surely I am since by now Fitz or Thea must have heard this voice by now. I slowly twist the handle and take a deep breath before whipping the door open. Nobody is in the hall, all I can see is darkness. "Hello?" I say and the gasp fills my ears, the sound coming from further down the hall. "I know you." The voice sounds a little more pleased. She knows me? But I don't know her, I don't even know what she looks like. "Don't be afraid, I won't hurt you. Let us help you." The voice echoes, which is strange since the hall is full of decorations to fill the space. How is the noise bouncing off the wall? With a heavy sigh I walk out of the comfort of my room and into the dark hallway, in search of this imaginary person.

"Come with me." The voice says and it fades as it goes further away from me. In a hurry I follow the sound of the voice, down through the hall and down the stairs to the main entrance of the house. I stop as I stare at the handle on the door,it's raining outside. What am I doing? I've lost it. I can't follow an imaginary voice into the rain.

"Keep up." the voice speaks again and with a sense of curiosity I open the large doors. I can see my breath in the cold air, the rain has not slowed down but I am too focused to care. I walk out and instantly get drenched by the rain, the smell of water hitting the dirt fills my nose and it smells amazing. I walk further outside until I find myself walking into the forest again. "We are almost there." the voice says, this time much louder. It's like the person is here with how close it sounds. I follow it through the trees and eventually come to the place where I killed the animals.

I breathe heavily as I take in the place, they are all gone. I think Fitz had them buried, being back here makes my bones shake. The feeling is weird and dark. It feels like something is trying to swallow me.

Hearing a growl from behind me,I hold my breath. It's difficult for me to tell what it is but a feeling within tells me that it is a wolf. I grip the knife tighter as I try and take small breaths. It's alright, just calm down. Remember wolves can sense fear. Slowly turning around I am met with two red eyes in the dark. Lightning strikes and the light provides the perfect illumination of its figure,it's a wolf. And it's a big one at that. I take a step back but that only causes the eyes to move closer, tears stream down my eyes as I am not sure what to do.

As I stare into its eyes flashes of a woman with red curls come into my mind, her bright smile as she walks through the forest. I take another step back but that angers the wolf. More flashes come to mind of her walking through the forest, "Don't be scared," she says as she stares at something from behind a large oak tree.

When I take another step back, I trip over a tree root and fall onto my bottom with a grunt. My eyes never leave the wolves, more images flash through my mind.

From the tree merges Fitz, the woman with red curls smiles at him but he doesn't return the smile. What is this? "I know you." she beams at him and he simply stares at her. She moves closer to him until their breaths fan each other's faces.

"They said you entered our territory, come my father will be pleased to meet you." she tries to pull him with her but he doesn't budge. "Don't be afraid, I won't hurt you," she says with a genuine smile. These are the same words I heard earlier. Are these...memories.

Eventually, Fitz moves with her and a small smile tugs on his lips as he watches her skip ahead. "Keep up!" she shouts.

Soon the images fade. And I return back to the dark forest except this time there is no sign of the red eyes. I quickly gather myself and stand but I can't.

Looking down I find the tree's roots wrapping themselves around my wrists. They move like they have life, pinning me to the floor. I try to hold the knife tighter but the roots tighten around my wrists forcing me to drop the knife. I scream as the roots move and pierce my skin and soon blood leaks from my wrists onto the ground. I groan as I tug on the roots but they are too strong.

In a state of panic, I scream out his name.