coincidentally, the last time i updated this journal was on the 9th of june, so it's been exactly two (2) months. seesh. i think i should tell you where i've been first, before getting into all the juice.
so, you already know about someone named candace... unfortunately. and how i basically got her fired from her job because she was lowkey stalking me. yeah so, me and some of my co-workers informed hr about it, but i realized soon after that it didn't really matter because somehow camdace knew where i lived. (yes, past tense, lived.)
that figure i was being paranoid about, yeah, she was there. lurking in the night light some kind of creep. well, she is, technically, a creep.
long story short, i had to involve the police because i'm not letting that slide. watched too many movies to know how it ends. they were very helpful in the process, but obviously i couldn't really stay at my own house because candace was (and still is) on the loose. she isn't taken in or anything because there isn't enough evidence of her stalking me, so i was told to be careful instead. anyways, so i'm staying with my parents, and had to already move out of my house, even though i moved in not that long ago. thank you so much candace, i really appreciate you turning my life upside down, haha!
anyways, don't worry i'm completely fine. i guess it sounds more dramatic when i write it this way, the situation really isn't violent or dangerous at all, she just makes me uncomfortable, and i also recently watched 'baby reindeer' on netflix, and jesus christ did it fuel my paranoia. that's what i kind of wanted to talk about too. that show is crazy, if you haven't watched it already, i wholeheartedly recommend.
obviously, my situation is nowhere near crazy and insane like his, it's not comparable at all, and i'm not doing that anyways, it just feels weird to think about it. i never truly registered that people do actually get stalked... like, it literally happens, and it's so weird. i feel so dramatic and over-the-top when i say "stalked" but like, that's the technical term for it. anyways.
so, the juice that i've been meaning to get into is... i feel so extremely guilty about enjoying a man's company right now. i know i shouldn't, and i know maybe i'm exaggerating the whole cheating thing, like it happened some months ago conni, get over it, but it's not about ali, or what i feel for him, because if i'm being honest, i don't even think about him anymore, i just keep thinking about whether or not it really is that easy to cheat on me. like, am i boring? what am i lacking?
i know, i know... i don't lack anything, he lacks dignity, and i'm not boring, he just doesn't know how to have fun with me, but i don't know, lately i've been feeling more comfortable in these positive thoughts because i've been talking to someone new.
i actually already talked about this new someone. yes, his name is miles. he's just a comforting person. i don't know, i've been enjoying my time with him, he makes me laugh and he listens to me talk about namjoon for hours... i mean, that's all i want lmao.
but seriously, miles and i have been bonding over namjoon, and it led to deeper conversations. like, the other night, i was over at his, i thought he would expect something of me but he didn't, and we just sat on his couch, put on a random movie and then ignored it by talking the whole night about everything. like, it started with namjoon and the clips of him playing the sax, then we talked about candace a little while, and then he claimed to be the best sandwich maker in the world, so he made me a sandwich, and i realized he is the best sandwich maker in the world. tell me why all of this made me realize how much i actually love that? ali and i never did that. we never like, talked about shit, you know? it's so weird, because i thought ali was a conversationalist, but i realized he just loved to talk about his own day, and his own interests. i never thought about sharing my day until miles asked what i had done that day... do you realize how insane that is? how did a man manage to take me from myself, and how is another man managing to give myself back to me? why am i so dependant on men, ughhhhhhhhhh i want to cry so bad.
i do like miles, though. he looks more and more attractive with every joke he makes lmao. we're not dating or anything, but i've been daydreaming about it which is really cringe so i'm going to stop talking about that now actually haha!
oh! we also went ice skating with him, because he told me he's also the greatest ice skater in the world (this one was a lie lol), but now i'm so in love with ittttt. it's so fun, i don't know why i didn't do it sooner. so yeah, i'm looking forward to ice skating now!
anyways... so in conclusion, i am jobless, i have no house, i live with my parents, i froze college, i'm guilty about laughing with a man because another man cheated on me, and i'm occasionally being watched by a woman who just hates me for no reason.
everything is going great though, because i just got into wattpad's creator program! i don't know what that means, they just asked if i wanted to sign up for it, i did, and fifteen (15) days later, they emailed me saying i'm part of the program now... literally nothing on my profile changed though, so i don't know how that works. anyways, tell me about yourself! what have you been up to? drop the tea here! love you, take care of yourself<3
