A Second Dance with Fate

Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

    "Sheep are stupid. Have you guys seen videos of sheep doing the dumbest things or making simple tasks incredibly complicated?" The pastor asks the congregation. Around the room there's a resounding yes and chuckles heard. I'm intrigued with where he is going with this.

    "I almost take offense that Jesus refers to us as sheep," he continues. Well, yeah, I would too. "But, take a look at this illustration he uses in the Gospel of John. 'The sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. His sheep know his voice.'"

    I take a deep breath.

    "Jesus goes on to say, 'I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me...I lay down my life for the sheep.' The pastor pauses, probably for dramatic effect. "Do you understand what Jesus is saying? He knows us. There is a difference between knowing of someone and knowing someone. He knows you. He calls you by name. You are not forgotten in this world."

    I feel the tears prickle my eyes. My grandpa reaches over and squeezes my hand. Oh gosh, that's going to lead to me being a puddle of tears. Hold it together, Alexa.

    "The world is screaming at you. People are telling how should or should not be. They could be saying you're a failure, you can't do or be enough. But, do you know Jesus like he knows you to the point where you hear is voice louder than the worlds? He's not shouting like the world. He's gently calling you to him, you just need to be still and listen."

    I think about my job. At my job I am constantly a failure. I can't keep up. I can't live up to their standards and my ideas are squashed. I have sacrificed a lot for them. But, have I stayed still enough to let God speak into my life? To let Him guide me what I'm supposed to do.

    "In fact, Jesus so badly wanted to grab your attention, that he went ahead and died for you. He so desperately wanted you to be a part of his sheep family that he risked everything for you. Do you know him well enough to trust him to lead you? To trust the Good Shepherd to lead you to a greener pasture. It might not be the safest, he doesn't promise that, but he does promise he will take the risk and the blows with you."

    The pastor concludes with a prayer. I sit quietly in my seat or as quietly as I can with sniffles escaping my nose. I'm holding on so tight. I don't want to be failure to my workplace, to my family, the world and ultimately to God. Jesus risked everything for me. He knows risk. And he is promising he'll catch me when I decide to jump. The only question is, where do I jump to? If I leave, where do I go? If I stay, do I really have the endurance to keep moving forward in this job? God, I don't think I do.

    The last worship song ends and we all get up from our seats. My grandpa turns to look at me. He knows what I was thinking and the compassion in his eyes is too overwhelming, so I look away and watch the crowd mingle.

    "Well Roy, are you ready to head to the post office and the grocery store?" His caregiver Toni asks, coming up to us. I smile, quickly blinking away the unshed tears. "Did you have a good time with your granddaughter?"

    My grandpa smiles and pats me on the hand. "It's always a treat to have her here."

    I smile and squeeze his hand. "Thank you for hosting me each month." He waves his hand dismissively.

    "Are you going to be here next month?" Toni asks, turning her attention to me.

    I shrug. "I think so. The only thing that would keep me from coming is if some emergency happened."   

    We chat for a bit with others from the congregation. My grandpa sings his praises about the work I'm doing and how proud he is of the sacrifices I'm making for the little minds of these kids. I smile. I appreciate the affirmations he's giving me, but it reiterates my fear of failure to my family. Would he be less impressed with me if I quit? God, I think that disappointment would be worse than anyone else's opinion of the matter.

    "Hey," my grandpa cries, looking at his watch. "Don't you have a hot date to meet soon?"

    I blush. The ladies around us immediately oohing and flooding me with questions.

    "Alexa is meeting a boy?" "What's he like?" "Is he a hunk?" "You know I remember when I first met Don..."

    I raise my hands in defense. "It's just a first date," I say over them. "There's nothing to tell. When there is, you all will be first to know, okay?"

    My grandpa clears his throat. "Well, after you of course grandpa," I answer sweetly, bending down and kissing him on the check. He gives me a curt nod. He's such a cutie. "But anyways, I do have to get going. It was nice hanging with you grandpa. I'll see you next month okay? I love you."

    "I love you too my honey. Call me so I know you got to the coffee shop safely."

    I nod my head. I give Toni a mock firm look. "Now you make sure he stays out of trouble with these ladies. Make sure he's not acting like a player."

    The ladies start giggling and blushing, enhancing their already over blushed cheeks with more pinkness. Toni nods and gives me a quick hug. I grab my keys and head out the door. I look back and give my grandpa a small wave, the tears prickling my eyes again. I am acutely away of the fact that each time I leave it could be my last time seeing him and so I try to memorize every detail about him. He blows me a kiss and I blow hims one back. He pretends to catch it and pats his hand over his heart. I turn around and head out the door, my heart beginning to race with the anticipation of what's to come this afternoon.

    An hour and half later, I arrive at the coffee shop. I give my grandpa a quick call, letting him know I made it safely to the place. He wishes me luck and then hangs up the phone. Short and sweet, just like he likes it.

    As I gather my things I take three deep breaths and say a quick prayer. This could either go really good or really bad, either outcome I don't think I'm prepared for.
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