The Secret of Us

~Defining Love~

Date: 30th June, 2021
Place: My Home
Earn's POV
I thought walking away from her would make things easier for me. All I hoped for was things to work out the way they say, "Out of sight, out of mind!", but I guess the situation is otherwise in my case.
Here I am today sleeping next to my mother on a single bed because,
"Honey, I am having awful dreams lately, failing to sleep, can I sleep next to you tonight?" Asked mom.
"Sure mom, but it'd be quite difficult for the two of us to sleep on this bed. But, come, I'll squeeze in." I replied making enough space for her to sleep.
"But are you sure you're comfortable in such a tiny space?"
"I definitely am! You very well know that I can't fall asleep anywhere but on my bed." I passed an assuring smile.
But the reality is that lately I find myself unable to sleep anywhere because the memories of 'us' keep replaying in my mind. Today, on call 'she' asked me what do I do the entire day, well, the vacation which I waited for the entire year now seems to be a bit too long without her. I am suffering from insomnia, lol, that's a joke, cause I sleep all day to keep my brain shut, so that her memories don't keep popping up in front of my eyes. I try to distract myself with reading, but even books remind me of her, so it's all in vain. My once upon a time favourite Olivia Rodrigo's playlist no longer makes me happy, cause she told me that we have a similar taste in music and that this album was her favourite for a long time, and the same words keep repeating inside my head. Every song inadvertently remind me of her in some way. I binge-watch dramas, sometimes not fully grasping the plot, just to occupy my mind and prevent it from returning to thoughts of her. At night I can't fall asleep, perhaps because I oversleep in the afternoon, and more because I can't fall asleep without giving her a sweet good night kiss. Each night I cry myself to sleep because her memories haunt me, rephrasing it entirely 'cause her memories somewhere, somehow give me a glint of hope and the very next moment everything comes down to shambles.'
As I lie here sleeping with my mom, trying to make space for her on this cramped bed, I can't help but remember how we used to sleep on an even smaller bed together, yet we had enough room and were both very comfortable. My head keeps recounting those instances when I felt that perhaps she's in love with me. She always has been the one for me, but I can't be the one for her because I am a girl, and after all she's into men and only 'men'. This thought eats me up from within, making me feel that wish I hadn't crossed my boundaries when I was with her, not once, not twice, but multiple nights, when we were tangled up on the 34×72 inch bed. While I don't regret my actions, it pains me deeply to acknowledge that those unreasonably intimate moments held no romantic feelings from her perspective.
There was this one time when she asked a weird question,
"Earn, what does falling in love feel like?"
"That's a weird question." I replied with a poker face.
"Just asking. Since you tell me that you're in love with me, what makes you think so?"
"I don't know, perhaps I'm not in love, it's just an infatuation, just like your case." My sharp gaze met hers.
"Will you stop taunting me for that?" She looked away, "See, it was all a misunderstanding, our first kiss was all for the sake of fulfillment of your challenge."
I nodded coldly, facing the ceiling, knowing that if I looked into her eyes, I'd start crying again, and I couldn't afford to do so after having cried in her arms for almost an hour. She placed her warm hand on my shoulder, trying to make me face her.
"What?" My voice was at the verge of breaking down out of emotions.
"Look at me. Will you?" She said in a commanding voice, knowing that I would comply, and I did like a scaredy cat.
"But the kisses after that, all the times I kissed you, Earn, they carried a lot of emotions, pure emotions." She placed a wet kiss on my lips.
"What name would you give to those emotions?" I asked rather harshly.
She paused for a while, looking straight into my eyes, as a tear escaped my eye and then said in a low voice, "I don't know! I love"
"Exactly! Thank you so much!" I quickly moved away from her, and crept on to my bed which was just a feet away, recently, rifted apart from her bed because she thought the distance was necessary since I would be moving out soon anyway.
"Earn?"
"I am very sleepy, will you please let me sleep in peace?" I replied sternly, making her remain absolutely silent for the rest of the night.
It did not even take another 10 minutes for her to fall asleep. I was stupid enough to have expected her to check on me once again, so that the second time I could reach out to her and cry my heart out, but none of that sort happened that night, it happened on none of the nights. That's how she was, that's how she had been for the n number of days I had known her, yet I went on expecting. They say love is unrequited, but when you actually fall for someone, it never actually remains unrequited, sad but true, do you disagree?
While she was fast asleep, I looked at her, she looked lovely, the peaceful countenance on her face, her unkempt locks swept over her face, she was beautiful , beautiful in every possible way. I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and tears came cascading down my cheeks as I mumbled inaudibly, "P'Mor, only if you could actually love....." I turned around and cried silently, muffling my whimpers with my hand over my mouth, the way I have been doing on all nights and as of today. But today I guess I have an answer to her weird question, for I have contemplated a lot.
Well, I think falling in love feels like a refreshing glass of cold water on a blazing hot day, a source of sudden smiles you can't help but hide from everyone else. It's the reluctance to end a call, concern over her meals, worry about her sleeping alone (since you can't sleep without her), and even keeping track of her menstrual cycles and understanding her mood swings, even on a call, sending "I miss you - I love you" messages on her Instagram account which she said was unretrievably lost, waiting the entire day for a 15-minutes video call from her in which she'd mostly remain distracted by the simultaneous scrolling of reels, saying stupid things just to drag the conversation long enough on that video call, but see, she hangs up really easily while I don't even remember the last time I pressed that red button to disconnect a video call with her, and feeling dejected everytime she hangs up. Falling in love in my case is not as pretty, perfect or dreamy as it is shown in my favourite dramas, but perhaps, it's not as difficult as hugging a cactus, the way she once quoted it, for I know that loving her doesn't pierce through my heart all the time, mostly it makes my heart feel lighter, at times bringing in a soothing and calming effect like the scent of the petrichor on the night of the first monsoon showers. A great friend of mine (I'll introduce her later for she has a vital role to play) told me once, "You don't deserve this, but the reason you are dealing with this is cause you are strong enough to get through it." But I believe she's wrong, for all I know is that even if I deserve something better, I wouldn't want it, but I no longer am strong enough to handle this, I feel lonely, silently weeping every night has exhausted me completely, those muffled cries no longer struggle to come out of my throat, my eyes have given up, so has my heart, yet, I can't erase her from my mind. I still attempt to sleep just to catch a glimpse of her in my dreams. Isn't that the essence of love?

To be continued....