Regina George likes a girl?

Our future?

Part 14 -

Suggested song
(Life moves on - by FINNEAS)

   We arrived at the little backyard party, our friends and family there. We played fun games and enjoyed the company. Then it came to an end and we went home, well to Regina's house.

   We were in our pajamas cuddled up together, just talking, discussing our future and how it would work.

"We have face time and travel, it's a three hour drive." Regina says and I nod, "that is true, and after your first year, I'll be almost done with college and I can move in with you, when you move off campus, if you do." I add and she nods, "actually that's a good idea."

We continued talking about our plans the rest of that hour before falling asleep. The sun rose and it was the next day. First day of summer break.

I woke and Regina was still sleeping so I just admired her. I loved when she slept so I could stare at her longer without making her uncomfortable. I did miss her eye though, but she looked so peaceful. Her eyes flutter open and I couldn't help but smile. She did as well, and she looked down at me. I was laying on her, my head on her chest. She ran her fingers around my back.

Now she was admiring me, I closed my eyes and rested against her. "You better not get super cool awesome friends and change your whole personality." I say softly, she giggled and kissed the top of my head, "don't talk this early." She replied. I looked at her and rolled my eyes. "What if I don't listen?" She covered my mouth and said "this." I licked her hand but she didn't care.

Sucks when you love someone, haha. She kept rubbing my back, and I moved my head to lay back down on her. That hand still covering my mouth, so I grab it and hold it instead.

I think she didn't want me talking because I was making her promise silly uncontrollable things. She then spoke, "I miss you already." I nuzzled into her and nodded, agreeing.

How was it possible to miss someone you're with. Knowing the appending situation pulls value out of the present. The hard part for me is sticking to the ground. My mind is always flying around, lost somewhere. I dissociate so easily, and frankly very often. I hated that about me, it made time move so fast. Sometimes it's nice, other times it makes me cry.

I want to hold onto my youth but there it goes through the roots, gone. It's so far in the past, yet I never felt it pass. I sighed as these thoughts weighed on my mind. Regina looked at me confused and spoke, "what's going on in there?" She poked my head.

"Just angry with myself." I say softly and she ran her fingers through my hair, "why baby?" I sighed once more and looked down. "I just hate how easily my dissociation lingers, or lives with me. It's like I'm a body that functions without a mind or memory." She paused for a moment.

"Really?" She asked me, I wondered now, did she disappear like I did? "Um, yea...I struggle a lot with being mentally present." I admit. "I'm sorry." She said, that was all she said.

This confused me, Regina didn't dissociate to my degree perhaps? Was she more just zoning out sometimes. She doesn't see the world as a dull place that she is just moving in. "It's ok, I think I'll be fine." I say, but really I felt like I was missing out. Not just in life but literally my own life. I was missing my life that was happening right in front of my eyes, ALL the time.

   "What's it like?" She said, I sighed and thought. "I feel like I'm stuck in this body, this restless body, and it keeps going but never lets me process time. It never lets me feel anything. I don't remember feeling like I was alive and aware since the sixth grade. I feel like I'm stuck at age eleven and the trauma of it. The part that keeps me there is the new trauma. It all makes it so hard to process the earlier ones to keep going. It's like almost impossible to fully explain." I say trying my best.

   "You feel like you're eleven, not eighteen?" She says and I nod, "I never even thought I was going to make it to thirteen. Living past that has fucked me up drastically." I admit. She looked really I'm not sure.

   "Thirteen...that's really young." I knew she was right, but the truth is that wasn't my first time. If that worked I'd never even saw my eight birthday. Being mentally ill is very hard on a person. Also being emotionally connected and dependent on an adult ruins your life. Unfortunately I learned the hard way, the life ruining way. "It is, but it runs in the family, mental illness." I say and she nods.

—

   Months had passed since we had a talk about being more open about our feelings. Now it was that time, to pack up and leave for college, Regina had to leave much earlier. She was going to leave a week before me. So that morning I helped her family load her stuff into their car. Then we drove up to Massachusetts. Got the inside scoop of her dorm and some of campus.

    I helped her set up her room and then it was time for us to leave. I held onto her like I'd never hold her again. I was wearing her hoodie, she was wearing mine. I cried into her shoulder as she held me. "I love you." I cried and she whined back, "I love you."

   This was the hard hitting moment. I had to pull away from the hug. So we did, and I kissed her, cupping her face in my hands. Just one last until thanksgiving break. "Bye my love." I groan and she pecks my lips a few times, holding my hands in her door way. "Bye baby, text me, call me, email me, write me letters, I don't care, send me your fucking bra, I'm gonna miss them." She says and I laugh and then pull her hands up for a moment, "until November." She sighs, "bye," and then she kissed me once more, before closing the door.

    That was the only way I'd walk away, the only way she wouldn't pull my arm. We had to close the door, I wanted to turn around. I wanted to stay, I didn't want to leave her here. By herself on a huge campus with no one she knows.

A/N - Sorry for that dark bit I was feeling a little funky, 🙂‍↕️. Don't blame me, I am mentally ill! Also I've stopped proof reading if you can't tell.