you saved me

denial

Lukas' pov

As I walked through the halls of the school, I got to the lockers. I stopped in my tracks as I saw one of the freshmen throw Phillip's stuff out of his locker into the trash, and place his items in the locker. I quickly rushed over, I grabbed the freshmen by the shoulders and slammed him into the lockers beside Phillip's.

"What do you think you're doing!? Do you have any idea what happened to the person who owned this locker! You don't mess with this locker! Ever! " I shouted as the freshmen panicked and pushed me away, as he grabbed his items out of the locker and hurried off.

I didn't hesitate to grab Phillip's things out of the trash, I wiped them off as I placed them safely back in the locker. When I closed the locker Rose was standing there.

"Why did you do that? Over Phillip? The guy who used to stalk you. " she said.

"... Fuck off Rose. " I said, turning my back on her as I walked off.

"He's not coming back! You should feel happy! I'm your girlfriend, the one person you shouldn't be talking to like that! " she shouted.

"Don't you think I know that! " I said through tears, my voice breaking. "Don't you think everyday I think about how you're my girlfriend! But what if I don't want a girlfriend! What if I wanted-... " I stopped as I saw stares from everyone.

"Wanted what? " she said cockily, walking closer to me.

"... Phillip. " I said as everyone gasped.

"Phillip? Why would you want him? " she questioned.

"Because I loved him! I loved him so much! Every moment with him was like taking in fresh air! And if I wouldn't have forgotten my stupid phone at that stupid barn he wouldn't have even been there! If I wouldn't have been forgetful he would still be alive! He would be standing here with me, holding my hand as I said this, I'm gay Rose! I'm gay and the boy I loved is dead because of me! " I shouted as everyone looked at me dumbfounded.

All Rose did was walk up to me, as I felt a sting on my face. She had slapped me.

"You used me to cover up your tracks!? " she screamed

"Yes. I did because I was worried about what all of you would think! " I said motioning to the crowd that was gathered. "But in reality... I should've been worried about what Phillip thought. " I said as I stormed off.

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The rest of the day was a nightmare. I gained so many glaces, but not the snickering, judging kind, they were pity filled. As if they had the right to feel pity for me, because of what? The fact I was in love with the boy that I claimed "stalked me, " or the fact that I was the reason he died? They don't get to pity me.

Everyday was hell without him, they don't get to feel sorry for me. They don't get to feel sorry for what they did with Phillip. I wouldn't let anyone sit in his seat in class, nor would I allow them to take his locker, or his spot where he would chain his bike.

As I returned home, I stormed into my room. Quickly I searched for Phillip's hoodie, I couldn't find it. I started to panic as I turned my room upside down searching for it.

Once my dad heard the sound of everything being thrown around he hurried in.

"Do you know where my hoodie is? The black one with the embroidery camera on it? " I asked. "It was the hoodie Phillip wore the day he died, dad please tell me you know where it is! " I exclaimed.

His face turned pale, as if he witnessed a murder. Soon his new girlfriend, Loraine, walked in holding a basket of clothes. On top of it was Phillip's hoodie, it was folded. I quickly grabbed it and started crying.

I brought it to my nose and sniffed it. The smell of Phillip was gone, replaced with lavender scented detergent.

"Why... " I said silently.

"I cleaned it for you. I thought you'd want me to since it sits on your bed all the time, I thought maybe you would want to wear it to school tomorrow-" Loraine said, but I quickly cut her off.

"You had no right! No right whatsoever! No the smell is gone! He's gone! This was all I had! " I screamed as Loraine looked at my father with a confused expression.

"... Lukas' boyfriend was shot and he was wearing that the day he was supposed to be discharged but-" my father went to say but I quickly shoved him.

"You don't tell that story! You don't ever tell that story! You weren't there! You didn't see him gasp for air! " I shouted as I cried harder. All my father could do was stand there as Loraine apologized over and over.

"Get out of my room! You've messed everything up! " I screamed as I shoved them both out, slamming the door behind them. All I could do was collapse, my back was pressed against the door as I wailed.

The only thing I had from Phillip was gone.
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The day after, Helen stopped by.

"Lukas? " she said behind the door. I couldn't respond, the only thing that I could do was cry.

"Lukas, I'm coming in okay? " she said as I heard the words, 'Gabe open the door. '

When she walked in my back was turned to them, my face was buried into the hoodie. The hoodie that no longer smelled like my love.

"Lukas. I have somethings you might want. " she said as I heard the sound of a box being put down. I turned, to face them, when I did I saw the box was filled with Phillip's things.

I quickly got up as I kneeled down to the box, Helen was already sitting besides it.

The box contained many things, the jacket he wore all the time, his camera, some polaroids of us, a bracelet, some shirts, and his bike lock. I couldn't contain my cries as I picked up one of the photos, his smile was shining.

"He loved you... So much. " Helen said as her voice broke.

"I... I miss him. " I said as I picked up his jacket and held it. Helen gave me a hug as I cried.

"I know you do baby, I know. I do too, so much. " She said in a motherly tone.

After a few minutes she backed up and pulled out a phone, but it wasn't her's it was Phillip's. As I glanced at it she powered it on, she turned the phone to me. The lock screen was blank, but when she unlocked it there was a picture of me, it was the picture he took when I was drinking a coke, granted he stole my coke because he was thirsty but I didn't mind.

All I could do was smile through my tears.

He was my everything.