A Mind of Many Voices

The Shell

For years even know the one thing i ask myself is "what is keeping me here?". Ironically i ask this because i know its not me thats for sure. It's become apparent that my love for other people, animals, and memorable items is greater than the love i have for myself. Which at the moment isn't very big nor strong. Now don't be alarmed as if i'm some sort of suicidal maniac because i assure you if i was, I wouldn't have made it out of middle school as shitty as those 3 years were for me. At that time i was almost was one of those cheesy fucking "words kill" victims. Ahh the art of bullying, the shit that will literally cloud someone's judgment for years on end. My bullies usually focused on my physical appearance and as expected from a bunch of preteen boys, my body was the only thing that wasn't ugly in their eyes. Of course now some of them have somehow found me years later thinking we can chill n "catch up sometime". Because that as well as tough love ( if thats what you wanna call it) from my aunt and uncle, i created a shell that i both stay too long inside of and steer too far from at the same time. Im either in my own world or in other peoples worlds and I must say it has been one hell of a ride thats for sure. My shell can be a pool of joyous memories, distraction, love, lust and euphoria. Honestly i wish it stayed that way even tho I get into trouble.. because on during my downward spirals my mind is a quicksand trap filled with negative phrases made towards me, bad memories especially the physical ones and worst of all the many ways i could disappear. That's what the shell is like.