𝕀𝕟 𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕕'𝕤 𝕖𝕪𝕖

07

Liam's pov

I'm afraid to look in the mirror

Scared of what I might discover

My personality  buried beneath piles of guilt and shame

Compliments die, before reaching my mind

Lost in the labyrinth of self-made lies

Each wall, a negative thought

Every dead end, a fight lost

I dont dare look in the mirror

Every reflection a horror

Every pore, every blemish, every little imperfection

Constantly nagging, a thorn in my heart

'Why can't I just good enough ?'  the doubts ignite

A constate battle, day and night

Arguing with myself, it tears me apart

I wish I could go back to the  start

Where school and  grades didn't matter much

I want to escape this horrid loop

This desire to always be good enough for my parents 

Burn these illusions, doing well in your own major sold cause my parents s judgment is cold and crass,

I wanted so badly to escape the judgment, this endless charade,

Embrace myself for who I am  and let not let thoughts get the best of me.

But I could never save myself.

I'm trying so desperately to heal

But nothing shakes the feeling, that i'm completely broken inside, 

that no amount of healing can return, the childhood that was stolen from me.

My parents 's generational curse is unkindness.

Unkind words, harsh voices. Screaming, shouting, arguing.

They wear it like a badge of honor.

And they expect everyone to forget. Sweep it under the rug and never talk about it.

No matter how much it hurts. And never change no matter how many boundaries you create.

My mother's love language is criticism.

I tell her what I love, she tells me how much she hates.

Never a positive thought, never appreciation, never words of love or kindness.

All she sees in everything is negativity and lack.

It is exhausting

I've made peace with grief.

I let it kiss me on the cheek and tuck me into bed. 

I know it will greet me when I wake up again.

grief holds my hand as I walk down the street. 

I taste it on my tongue with everything I eat.

I don't fight it anymore, grief always wins the war.

 it fills me up when I feel hollow, and reminds me that one day, there will be no tomorrow.

And I will get to see you again

it's no surprise,

Caden have built walls around his heart.

He had to protect himself, from people who were meant to protect him.

What once helped I helped him to survive, made him suffer.

That's why I backed away.

I wish I loved my brother enough to save him.

I wish I loved myself enough to save myself.

Healthy love doesn't need a defense mechanism

My parents were going hard on us for getting everything in line but it was  hardest for Caden 

It wasn't easy.

They treated him way worse

They changed now.

 They do still be controlling but not that much that they were with us  as they are treating Blake right now.

 They surprisingly support him through his sports.

He reminds me so much of Caden, I wish he had this much of support back then.

Crying over scraping his knee become  crying over not knowing what the fuck is going on and what his future will be.

Worrying about a math test or an english essay becomes worrying about what he'll do for the rest of his life.

And all he wanted  was just  to grow up and be happy .

He was just a kid

if i could go back in time I remember telling him, ,that It's not his  fault and promise him , we eventually make it out of that hell. 

But I didn't make it true.

I didn't save him.

End of chapter

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