to be with you

pretending

Chloe's POV:

I sat back down at the table, my leg bouncing up and down. Beca put her hand on it, looking at me worriedly. "Do you need to go outside or something?" She asked quietly.

"No, I don't need the others to think there's something wrong with me." I replied, basically whispering. She nodded before turning back to Amy and rambling on about our new set, which I could tell Amy didn't give a shit about.

Our meals arrived pretty quickly. I only ordered a side salad, which I asked Aubrey for while I had a minute alone with her.

Beca frowned. "Babe, are you seriously only gonna eat that?" She asked.

I nodded, picking my fork up and eating the tiniest mouthful. "Yep. I'm just not that hungry, I ate earlier at the hotel anyway." I smiled. Beca nodded again, this time as if she didn't believe a single word that I said.

Still, I went through half my salad. When I began to barely even pick at the second half, Beca stood up and gestured for me to follow.

"Okay," she said, laughing nervously. "Are you genuinely alright?"

I frowned and nodded. "Yeah, why would I not be?" I asked with a small smile. Beca sighed and grabbed my hand. "Baby. You can talk to me about anything. You know that."

"Beca, honey, I'm honestly okay. If there was something going on, you'd be the first to hear. I promise." I said.

Beca leaned on a wall and huffed, giving up. "I hope you're not pretending."

"I'm not. There's literally nothing wrong with me so please don't convince yourself that there is." I smiled, squeezing her hand. "Alright." She sighed, smiling slightly.

We went back to the table and sat down. The girls barely noticed we were gone. I finished my salad, then went to the bathroom for the second time.

When I got there, I shut the cubicle door behind me and lit a cigarette. Beca didn't know I smoked. I did it when I was anxious, which was a lot. I slowly exhaled the smoke, blowing it down and waving it away.

"Hello? Who's smoking?" I heard Emily ask. "Shit.." I hissed. I opened the little window above the toilet and took another drag, exhaling out the window.

"Hello-o?" She repeated, giggling softly. "It's me, Chloe." I said quietly. "Chloe? You smoke?"

I opened the cubicle door and nodded. "Yeah. Don't tell Beca, 'kay?"

"O-Oh, okay! Sure..yeah. That's really damaging, you know?" She whispered. I shrugged. "Beca smokes too sometimes."

"I expected that from her, honestly. But not from you. I haven't known you for a long time, but..you don't seem like a smoker."

"Well, I'm a chronic smoker." I chuckled, taking another drag.

"Can I...try some?"

"How old are you again?" I asked, shocked she'd even ask. "Uh...eighteen.." She muttered. "No, then. You're far too young. And don't ask Beca, she gives in too easy and she'd feel guilty for letting you."

"Please? One puff?"

"Beca has a vape, ask her for some of that."

"But I just wanna-"

The bathroom door opened, so I quickly dragged Emily into the cubicle and slammed the door shut. "Chlo-"

"Shut up!" I hissed, leaning against the cubicle door. "Uh, hello?"

"Shit, it's Beca.." I whispered. "Chlo, you in here?"

"Say it's just you, Em." I said quietly. Emily frowned. "Why?" She mumbled.

"Just do it and I'll let you have a drag!"

"Fine. It's just me, Bec!" Emily called, laughing nervously.

"Oh. Has Chloe gone back already?"

I shook my head. "Uh, I didn't see her in here, so..I don't know!"

"Right. I guess I'll go back." She sighed, walking out.

I breathed a sigh of relief and took another slow drag, then gave the cigarette to Emily. "One puff."

"I knew it! Chloe, she's too young for that shit! And why are you even smoking? I have so many questions!" Beca cried, leaning over the cubicle wall. "How did you get up there?" I gasped.

"Stood on the toilet. Still, answer my question!"

"One sec. Em, get out." I snapped, opening the cubicle door and pushing her out gently.

"And you," I said, pointing at Beca. "Go. I need to piss, then I'll explain everything at the table. Yeah?"

"I guess. Come on, Em."

I made sure they had both gone, then I locked the toilet stall and sat down. I pulled my skirt up slightly, burning my leg with the cigarette. "1..2...3..." I counted as tears slowly escaped my eyes.

I'd already burned my leg that night, when I was in the bathroom earlier. It helped with the anxiety, but it hurt like a bitch.

I stubbed the cigarette out on my leg, then tossed it out the window.

------

"Right, explain." Aubrey commanded as soon as I sat back down. Everyone was looking at me nervously. "Uh, what is...what's going on?"

"This is an intervention, Red. Surely that's obvious?" Amy said, laughing. Beca nudged her and shot her an angry glance. "Time and a place, Ames."

"Well?" Aubrey snapped.

"I was stressed. I don't do it much." I muttered.

Emily frowned. "You told me you were a chronic smoker?"

I shot her an annoyed glare, then stood up. "I'm not explaining myself to the entire group. I'll talk to Beca later, but this...this isn't happening. I'm going to the bar."

With that, I stormed away to the restaurant's bar, sitting on a stool. "Uh, can I get a cherryade and vodka, please?" I asked, smiling.

The bartender nodded, flashing me a grin. "Sure thing, Princess." He smirked, grabbing a glass and flipping it. "What's a pretty girl like you doin' alone, huh?" He asked. "I'm not alone, my friends are at the table."

"Why ain't they here with you?"

"I-"

"Just shut it and get her the drink." Beca growled as she sat beside me. I looked at her, then turned away. "Beca." I sighed.

"Talk to me, babe." She said, sounding upset.

"Thanks." I smiled as I took the drink from the barman, taking a sip and looking at the floor.

"Baby, come on." Beca hissed.

"You saw everything. I smoke. And I let Em have a drag."

"Did I? Because I definitely didn't see this." Beca said, pointing to the burns on my leg. "Huh? Shit, you weren't meant to see that!" I gasped, pulling my dress down to cover the marks.

"Why? Why are you hurting yourself?"

"It was a one off-"

"I know you've done it before! You...you cut yourself. I know you think I don't know, but I do. I saw the cuts when we fucked. I saw the foundation that ran down your leg when you came out of the pool."

"It said it was waterproof!"

"That's not the point. I just....I wanna help you."

"Why?"

"Because I love you."