Silver and Gray Ashes

Chapter 7

Dante's POV:

The group met up as the usual, it was our little routine we started every morning together, we buy some coffee and the smokers smoke their cigarettes while we head to the school. The morning after the match wasn't any different. Expect that Dante had hickeys on his neck. He had told us that he asked Aeron out on a date last night and then they ended up hooking up.

Hearing this a blunt but strong pain hit me in the chest. It was like I was jealous. But how could I be jealous? My heart is only filled with Her. With you, I know it's been over four years since you have passed. But I can't let you go, or maybe I just don't want to. But how could I let you go ohh you beautiful soul, the most beautiful from all? 

Sometimes I feel like I start to forget about you, like I don't think about you all the time anymore. You have started to fade, I no longer remember to your voice, and your face started to blur. It keeps me awake at night thinking it's all my fault. I feel like I have to punish myself for it. But I like to do it because it reminds me of the time the you were here.

I know  I said I'm getting better, but sometimes I can't resist and I actually end up punishing myself for making getting distant from you. At those times I hold that beautiful sharp metal and I  press it to my skin leaving small cuts on my skin. I watch how that beautiful red liquid gush out under my skin, how it runs down my arm. I mesmerised by its beauty that leads to me wanting to se more and more of it. I like those moments because the pain in the body quiets the pain in my heart. And suddenly everything goes quiet, in that silence I always see you, I always feel like you are closer. I only clean it up after it dried and it turned that ugly brownish colour, because as long it is red I love to admire its beauty and I hate to ruin it.

That blunt pain in my heart which was caused by seeing the hickeys on Dante's neck. Made me feel bad again. It made me feel like I started to fill my heart with him instead of you. I feel like I have done a terrible mistake, and now your figure is seems to be more distant. It made me wanting to punish myself more than usual. 

I felt like it pushed me into the depth of the darkness in me.