Heiress | TVD/TO

sorry not an update

So I just wanted to apologise to the few of you who have been waiting for me to update and I haven't. And I was just opening this section here when I noticed that the last time I had updated was a year ago, so I thought you guys deserved an explanation.

So, I started a job early November as a customer service representative for a phone company in the UK and it tucked big time. No offense to UK-ers but would it kill to be a little nicer and less racist/sexist to people you called to you so I left it in February but then I lost my dad mid March, and since then things have been weird. I wasn’t close to my dad but in a way I was the closest, I have 3 siblings and I knew I was his favourite, everyone knew I was his favourite, my two older brothers weren't living with us and it was just us four. And yes we didn't spend the entire day together but he was there. And recently I've been missing things I used to get tired of. Like our fights, I did say I was his favourite which was why I was the most like him and both of us were stubborn as hell, and I had learnt to admit my wrongs but he never did and it was a reason why we always debated angrily with each other and he'd always end the conversation with you and your philosophy. Now I miss it, no one liked to debate with me against things because they knew I never let it go, now I think we both did it because it sated that part of us that wanted to let some of the anger out with someone safe.
Another thing was coffee, oh how I hate coffee but my dad didn't like drinking anything alone, so whenever he'd make himself one he'd make me one as well, and it was bitter with cardamom in it. I hated it, I drink coffee with milk, but I never told him that because he'd have told me; so it's my fault that I make you something.

Now it's just my mom, my little sister, and I and occasionally my brothers, and I never fight with mom, I don't wanna make her life harder, and I'm easier on my sister cause she's the youngest and it doesn't feel right to gang up on her, not that I can she's stronger than me, but it's hard and it's not like I have a job where I can spend all my energy on so I'd go home and sleep.

That's not even the worst part, the worst part is most days I don't even notice that he's not around and when I do notice I feel guilty, because I know that my mom and aunts and uncle can't stop thinking about him and I've been told my whole life that I was my dad's favourite. So, why, when it doesn’t make sense how I not thinking of him at least most of the time, I don't wanna go about my life like he wasn't there, but I belive in God and I know it's fate and life will go on, life must go on.

And it doesn't help that it's wedding season and my brother's gonna get married and other brother just got engaged, and my best friends got married and another got engaged and my cousin got engaged. And I'm supposed to be happy for them and I am, but all it does is keep sending my mind into that corner of what happens when it's my turn, like we're traditional people, who's gonna approve of the guy who comes to marry me. Not my brothers their barely even getting the hang of their lives, not my uncle he's got his hands full already with his kids and his dead brother's kids to worry about his sister's kids as well, not my paternal uncle who's older than my father was and had recently suffered a heart attack and is having a hard time loving his life.

Before my father died, I knew he was going to, he had had two diabetic comas and was admitted in the ICU twice, but no matter how mentally ready you are to what's gonna happen nothing prepares you to how life will be afterwards.

I came here planning to write a short apology to the few of you who follow this story and ended up giving you a sob story instead and if this reminds you of a loss, I'm sorry or maybe not, because at times I wish I could see and hear more things that remind me of who I lost, and maybe you don't feel the same but some people do and I hope this reaches them.

May God forgive the sins of all our dead.

Xoxo, Hanan Abdelkader.