Sometimes I feel like I'm floating in the ocean. Darkness looming underneath my weightless body. It unsettles me, terror craving its way in to my bones. Nothing but a sky full of stars, blinking and unbothered, in and out of existence, soothes my rapid heartbeats.
The unknown wants to take me down; I can feel it, pulling ever so softly, caressing my feet, calling me. There's no words I can send to my brain to decode, but I can feel waves reverberate in my soul. Somehow, I can understand what they're singing. They are welcoming me. Chanting an ancient song of defeat. Of death.
They're urging me to go to them, "we've been waiting," they hum. They have prepared a special kind of torture to endure, just like I wanted.
I wish I could give in, let go and accept their invitation. Face the beast waiting for me at the bottom of the onyx void. I wouldn't be surprise to find a mirror and discover that the monster waiting down there is the same that finds beauty in the twinkling worlds so far away from this vast emptiness.
It is beautiful and so peaceful. I like to imagine that there are beings out there, versions of me, that were able to find comfort and contentment. Mirth.
Some version of myself that wasn't so empty and lonely.
One that wasn't so eager to be loved that even darkness seems kind and loving.
People roam this world looking for something to give them purpose. A dream. And I have always wondered what is like to dream of something grander, something immaculate and revolutionary.
Does having hopes and dreams without the certainty of ever bringing those dream to fruition ever hunts them?
Do they know that no matter what they do in this world their fate has already been written on stone?
How can I leave this peaceful terror and move to the light when darkness soothes me so kindly? How to love something that Doesn't fight as hard for me as sadness does?
Mournful friends, sadness and I, have become. Almost one.
And it seems it is the only one that can't let me go.
Do these stars ever feel sad? lonely? They are not alone for all trillions of them share the same space, but they are so far apart, just as I am from the billion other people in this world.
Never truly by my self but always alone. Alone in a way that makes me wonder, do I not shine as the others do? or is it that the others glimpse at me and what they see it's not worth stop to admire for more that a split second?
"Likes call to likes" they say. And if I can find beauty in both darkness and silver nights, then why I don't see beauty staring back at me in this mirror at the cold and frigid end? Why am I not beautiful?
I am not. I've stolen quick glances at that darkest depth and it terrifies me to know that it belongs to me. That it reflects failure and solitude. No purpose.
So I stare at this beautiful twinkling lights and only dare to hope that all this senseless drifting will one day take me somewhere. Anywhere, and somehow share a little of its beauty with me.
