Book of shit😜

My father

I love my father. I hate my father. I miss my father. I never want to see my father again. I understand my father. He doesn't understand me.

None of it is my fault, even though I blame myself for it a lot. It's not my fault you left. It's not my fault you came back. It's not my fault you drained me. It's not my fault you don't believe in boundaries. It's not my fault you hurt my mother. It's not my fault you love your girlfriend more than your little girl. It's not my fault you miss me. It's not my fault you don't get me. It's not my fault you keep me in the middle. It's not my fault you are tearing me apart.

I miss you more than anything, but I hate you just as much.

I love you more than anything, but I hate you just as much.

I care for you more than anything, but I hate you just as much.

I will support you more than anything, but I hate you just as much.

I mourn over us more than anything, but I hate you just as much.

No matter how many times I say I hate you, there's a part of me that knows it's not true. I love you more than anything, but I can't stay with you.

I cry a lot when I watch movies. Specifically the angsty teenage girl ones. It's not really the plot that makes me cry, it's those scenes. You know, the scenes where the daughter has an undying bond with her father and only her father. I cry more than I ever should when I see them. I cry as mourning, for how we used to be. I cry as shouting, for you to come back to me.

All I really want is your arms to be wrapped around me again. All I want is to play video games with you again. All I want is to laugh with you again. All I want is to communicate with you again. All I want is to be who we used to be.

No matter how many times I say it, I can never bring myself to truly hate you.

I think it's because the little girl inside of me used to be yours.