Book of shit😜

Something I've discovered about myself

(This isn't a vent, I was just thinking deeply about the things I feel and my emotional connections. I wanted to take a deep dive into myself and why humans may feel the way that they feel, specifically me as a being.)

I don't want to get back with him again, I never will. If anything that would be the last thing I'd do. But there is this feeling that I have had for years where I crave an emotional connection to someone. I have emotional connections to people but at the same time it has never felt like enough. No matter what I do I can never feel loved to the degree I need to be. I crave the feeling of nothingness, but while it's nothing it is everything I could ever ask for. Something inside of my head manipulates my thoughts and body into forcing myself into a cookie mold, that way I could just call myself someone else's. There are days I think I am crazy, because I have love but I never feel fulfilled with myself and my emotions. I have tried and tried to feel good about my emotional connections in myself and other people, I've broken every bone in my body to make these things connect and fit each other. People can love me as much as they can, but the problem is after one minor inconvenience I ruin it all by criticizing my intake and an increase in self loathing. The love I get will never be enough because in the back of my head there is an awareness to the point I am detached. I feel that the amount of love I have felt is ruined by my perspective on the world and reality. Something or someone I feel hugging me from behind is a never ending judgmental cycle I force onto myself because I do not understand my thoughts or the world I'm living in. The thing that I desire is a deepened connection with myself that I can never get. It feels as if there is a hole in my body that I pity myself in because I never desire the pity from other people, no matter how many times I think I do. I don't care how many lives I have in the future, I just hope I can get rid of this never ending hell I have manipulated myself into.