Dear Rabbit

Chapter 17

You know when you have a bad sleep and what you dreamt about was something related to your real life? Like how you think you did badly on that biology test or how your crush just got a new girlfriend? Well to say I had a bad sleep was perhaps an accurate description and to say I had one of those realistic dreams would also be true. Except my dream wasn't about tests or crushes, my dream was a mixture of glowing red eyes peeking out from dark bushes on a cold stormy night and Stiles...Stiles yelling at me, ignoring me, telling me he didn't want to see me again. It was a nightmare except I didn't wake up scared or covered in a thin curtain of sweat. I woke up feeling normal except for the aching in my chest at the mere thought of Stiles not wanting to be my friend. He was my friend. The idea of losing him was worse than the glimpses of red eyes I'd seen haunting my movements in the dark-which I rationalised as either my overactive imagination or an albino animal of some sort.

That morning I had forced myself up and moved around like I was death warmed over. I had certainly felt like it, I still felt like it in a way. That aching in my chest wasn't as strong as when I'd woken up, but it was still there. It was soothed slightly knowing that I'd be able to talk to Stiles today...I'd be able to get yesterday sorted. There was a sense of urgency within me to fix whatever had happened. Even if Stiles had said it wasn't my fault a small part of me still doubted that, a small part of me believed I'd caused this. In reality it was all a very minor part of life...and while I said I was comfortable and secure in my friendship with Stiles and Scott...that niggling insecurity deep down within me liked to dance the jig and tell me that maybe it was all my fault. That it was always going to be my fault.

I hated that one person could fuck me up so much that I still had that bugging doubt in the back of my mind. I hated that dad had caused this in me. But I still couldn't bring myself to hate him, to forget him, to yell at the skies about what he'd done. After a good decade of living without him, of having that insecurity I was only now beginning to find it easing. And while it was hard to ignore when it was there, my friends had started beating it down and shoving it in lockers. Most likely with their baseball bats. Maybe I didn't really have anything to worry about at all? Maybe...maybe moving to Beacon Hills was just what I needed.

"Hey..." I was brought out of my musings, or more like my brooding (I was brooding more than Angel from Buffy and he was pretty damn broody) by Dori peering into the room. She looked exceedingly nice this evening, more so than normal. Her hair was down where usually it was kept up, her make-up was more apparent than normal, and her clothes were definitely not the type of clothes I'd wear to go watch movies with a friend. Although I was the type to turn up in my pajamas so I'm not sure if I should really be basing the norms of life on myself.

"Hi, you going out now?" Dori's plan for the night was to go with Lydia to rent some movies then binge out on ice-cream and wine. Lydia was still upset about Jackass breaking up with her and with the way he went around smirking at us all and generally being a douchebag it was completely reasonable that she'd be sad. Dori was hoping she'd be able to help. I would have joined them had I not already planned my own little get together.

"Yeah, are you going to be okay?" She looked visibly uncomfortable with the idea of talking about 'feelings' or whatever she was trying to get me to talk about. Dori wasn't one to come and ask me how I was...she'd let me come to her or she'd let me sort myself out. That didn't mean she didn't care, she just wasn't the most comfortable when it came to helping people cheer up. I was okay with that, sometimes I just wanted to sit and wallow in my own self-pity, although I liked a good hug every now and again (or all the time).

"Why wouldn't I be...?" I pulled at the corner of my bedding, avoiding her eyes. Dori had such blue eyes; sometimes they felt incredibly piercing, like they could see into my soul.