Tying the knot... or not?

~9~

Emily stared at Theo's gorgeous face, which was dark with concern, and felt heady with confusion.
He cared about her?
And he'd stuck by her. Even when she'd pushed him away.
She hadn't wanted to break down in front of him and let him hear her ugly, mangled thoughts and fears, but despite her best efforts to push him away he'd stood firm. Even more surprisingly he was still here, listening to her as if she was the most important person in the world to him right now.
What had she done to deserve this? She didn't know. She'd been nothing but manipulative and greedy around him recently, but he still hadn't left her.
He was too good for her. He should be with someone kind and good and caring. Someone like Lula. Not a messed-up, self-obsessed she-devil like her.
Reaching out a hand, she cupped his jaw and drew his head towards her, wanting to kiss the concern off his face and let him know how much she appreciated all that he'd done for her.
He kissed her back, gently and carefully, as if he was holding back a base urge to roll on top of her and slide their bodies together.
The thought of it made her insides flash with heat and a low, familiar throb began deep in her body, radiating out to make every nerve-ending zing with a yearning, aching need.
Pressing her mouth harder against his, she felt him give in to it and heard him groan low and deep in his throat.
Rolling on top of him, she pressed her body against his from chest to thigh, feeling the hard length of him against her hip. She rubbed against him, needing him to touch her, to make her feel good, to give her respite from the confusion of thoughts swirling round her head. But he kept his hands to himself, letting her do what she wanted to him, allowing her to use his body, to find comfort in the physical connection of it without asking for anything in return.
She needed this.
So much.
Oblivion.
Even if it was only for a short time.
Moving up to sit astride him, she unbuckled his belt with shaking fingers and pulled open his fly, releasing his cock from the confines of his trousers.
Looking down at him, she saw he was staring at her intently, a muscle flicking in his jaw, and relief rushed through her as he gave a small nod of encouragement. Locating a condom in the bedside table, she rolled it onto him. Then, pulling her underwear to one side, she positioned herself over him and pushed down, feeling him fill and stretch her, hitting her deep inside her body.
It felt so right.
So good.
At that moment all she needed was to lose herself in something wholesome, something comforting, something pure.
The tears came again as she moved, and she let them fall without attempting to stop them or brush them away. This was catharsis, expelling from her body all the hurt and anxiety she'd been bottling up since Theo had first confronted her last night.
His breathing was low and ragged as she rode him, his eyes screwed tightly shut as if he was concentrating hard on giving in to her. She loved him for that - for his total surrender to her whims and needs.
She moved faster and harder against him and she felt him grab the sheet beneath him, as if trying to hold back his orgasm. The mere thought of him coming beneath her tipped her over the edge of her own control and she exploded with sensation, her breath rasping in her throat, and she called out to him, urging him to follow her.
He did as she asked, grasping her hips hard and rocking her back and forth on top of him, thrusting into her until he came too, letting out a low, guttural groan of relief.
Once their breathing had steadied, she rolled off him and snuggled into his hot body. After he'd disposed of the condom, he slid his arm beneath her neck so he could pull her against him more effectively.
They lay like that for a while, quiet and caught in their own thoughts.
'At least my mother finally got what she wanted,' she whispered eventually against his chest.
He put out a hand and stroked her cheek lightly, as if trying to smooth away her pain.
'I wasn't brave enough to forgive her, Theo, and now it's too late.' Her voice shook with the emotion she'd been keeping in check for so long. Too long.
'It's not your fault, you mustn't blame yourself.'
'Then who is to blame?'
'No one. No one could have predicted any of it. There were too many people involved, too many secrets.'
'Secrets,' she said. 'I knew they'd come back to bite me eventually.'
He snorted, pulling back to give her a wry smile.
'Are you ever going to tell me any of yours?' she asked tentatively.
The smile dropped from his lips and he shut his eyes, his brow pulling into a frown. 'Yeah, I guess I owe you an explanation about why I've been so distant with you.'
His voice held a twang of discomfort and she twisted away and up, so she could rest her head on the pillow next to him. From the tone of his voice, she guessed it had to be something pretty serious.
He ran a hand over his face, apparently gearing himself up to tell his story.
'When my brother Hugo died, I was in a tough place emotionally. I met a woman - Lauren - not long after it happened, at the local pub. She seemed to appear out of the blue at the exact time I needed someone to talk to. Hugo's death had hit my parents hard, and I found it virtually impossible to talk to them about it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I felt isolated, and suddenly there she was - all bright and fun and full of life, with all these wild ideas. A bit like you,' he said, shooting her a look that appealed for understanding. 'I fell for her hook, line and sinker,' he said, pulling his gaze away from hers and staring up at the ceiling.
He took a breath and blew it out slowly.
'I found out later that she'd latched on to me after seeing a piece in the newspaper about Hugo's death and how I was now first in line to be the Earl of Berkeley. Apparently, she fancied herself as Lady Berkeley. I'd had women trying to worm their way into my affections before, but she was something else.'
He shook his head in wonder.
'She had me totally fooled that she was for real. I guess because I was feeling so vulnerable about losing Hugo, and also because I was lonely - stuck out at the estate on my own after the sociability of university.'
'That's totally understandable, Theo, you shouldn't feel bad about that.'
He glanced over at her and gave her a sad smile. 'My parents hated her from the start. She wasn't the "right sort of partner" for me. Meaning she didn't come from a privileged and wealthy background. They called her behind my back and asked her to go over to the house and see them. When she got there, they told her they'd cut off my inheritance if she continued to have a relationship with me. Then they offered to pay her off to leave me.'
'How fucking underhand!' she said, feeling a sting of anger on his behalf.
'When she told me this, stupidly I told her that I'd give it all up for her and we should go off somewhere together and make a go of it without my family's money.' He glanced at her, his eyes hard. 'She was pregnant.'
'Oh, no, Theo!' Emily's stomach swooped and her skin grew hot and prickly as adrenaline woke her from her lazy stupor. She sat up, looking down at him as he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling.
'Apparently that wasn't at all what she wanted from the situation - or me - so she went behind my back and accepted my parents' pay-off, then aborted my child. I never saw or heard from her again after that.'
It took Emily a moment to fully process everything he'd told her. Her chest ached in sympathy for him. 'Are you positive she didn't keep the baby?' she asked eventually.
'Yes. She showed me the medical records from the hospital.'
'Oh, Theo, it's not surprising you don't trust women.'
'I spent a few years hating myself for being such a fool. I did some stuff that I'm not proud of. I used people. Hurt them. Including some of my friends. All to try and make myself feel better - less ashamed, less disgusted by how gullible I'd been. I was determined not to be taken in again, so I made sure no one ever got close enough to hurt me.'
He sighed and swiped a hand over his face.
'Obviously my parents heard about how I was living my life and tried to intervene again. They were afraid I was giving the Berkeley family a bad name. When I wouldn't listen, my father cut off my trust fund, changed his will and told me if I didn't stop my philandering ways, I'd never inherit the estate. I found myself with no money, no friends, and an uncertain future. It was the wake-up call I needed. I cleaned myself up, got a job at an engineering firm in London and gave up women. Then my father died suddenly, without changing his will, and everything went to my mother. While she was pleased I'd calmed down, she wanted grandchildren, and when it became apparent I'd gone totally the other way and shut myself off from even considering a serious relationship, she started making veiled threats about keeping the house from me for good. And then not-so-veiled threats.'
'No wonder she's been so picky about who you get involved with,' Emily said carefully.
'Well, I am too. I'm very careful now. I don't have meaningless sex and I always check someone out thoroughly before I commit to having any kind of relationship with them. I'm a very private person and I hate the idea of everyone knowing my business. That's why I was so hard on you about the press invasion into my life.'
She flopped back onto the pillow next to him, a deep sense of shame mixing with the heady feeling of finally understanding where he was coming from. No wonder he'd hated her antics in dragging him into the media spotlight. She'd put him through his worst nightmare. Twice.
'Theo, I'm so sorry about what happened with the press-' she began, but he put up a hand to halt her.
'You've already apologised, Emily. It's over now. We don't need to talk about it again.'
Swallowing hard, she nodded against the pillow but didn't say anything, experiencing a horrifying sense of grief. Because there really couldn't be any kind of future for them now. She needed to be in the limelight for her career - and to make her happy - but he clearly abhorred the idea of it.
How did you get past something like that?
She'd been an idiot, thinking his confession about how he cared for her and the subsequent insight into his past meant there might be a chance for them when in fact it confirmed the opposite. They could never make a real relationship work. They needed totally different things.
He rolled over and slung an arm across her shoulders, dragging her against his chest. She let him hold her there, sinking into the heat and strength of his body, this time holding back the hot tears that threatened to spill from her eyes.
After a minute of two she heard his breathing level out and felt him relax into sleep, his arm still draped across her possessively.
It felt like the beginning of the end.
Emily woke the next morning to find herself alone in bed.
After getting dressed, she traipsed downstairs wearily, her entire body feeling heavy and stiff from all the tension she'd been holding on to.
It was important to her not to show Theo how exposed she was feeling about what had happened last night. She needed to be able to walk away with her head held high so she had to keep things light from this point onwards.
She felt sure that right about now he must be wondering how to get her out of his house without seeming callous anyway. She'd put a lot of pressure on him in the last couple of days, dealing with her grief, and their already fragile relationship - or whatever the hell it was - was already under immense strain. The last thing she wanted was to outstay her welcome, so she decided she'd go back to London after they'd had breakfast.
To give them both a breather from the intensity of being together under such difficult circumstances.
To start the process of giving him up.
She found him in the kitchen, making his regulation strong coffee, and placed an empty mug down next to his, giving him a supplicatory smile.
'Need! Coffee!' she gasped, going for levity.
He gave her a grim smile and poured some of the dark, fragrant liquid from the jug into her mug.
'You're a very kind man,' she said, blowing him a kiss and taking her drink over to the table, where his housekeeper had left a range of the day's newspapers out for him.
She flicked the top one to the front page and ran her gaze over it while he walked over to join her at the table.
It took her a moment to realise what she was actually seeing.
When it finally sank in, her whole body froze in shock, causing him first to glance over at her with a frown, then down at what she was reading.
It wasn't good.
Oh, no.
It really wasn't.
There was a picture of the two of them at her mother's funeral, with her gripping Theo's hand possessively as the coffin was lowered into the ground. There appeared to be a dispassionate, almost haughty look on her face as Theo frowned at her.
Above it ran the unsubtle headline:
Treasure Trail's Emily Applegate begs her earl fiancé to take her away from all this madness.
It went on to detail all the facts about her mother's illness and secret hospitalisation, and how the affliction might be hereditary, going on further to speculate about her own private life and ask whether her 'wild ways' had anything to do with the possibility that she might be 'on the wrong side of crazy' herself.
It would have been entertainingly scandalous reading if it hadn't been her life they'd ripped apart in under 500 words.
'It must have been that fucking journalist from the film premiere,' Theo muttered, swiping a hand through his hair. 'She walked into the corridor just after we'd had that shouting match. Perhaps she heard more than we realised?'
'It's entirely likely.' Her whole body was heavy with misery.
'She must have followed us from your house to the funeral. In fact, thinking about it now, I distinctly remember seeing what I thought was the reflection of the sun on a camera lens.'
Emily sighed and dropped into the chair next to him. 'Well, there you go. The mystery of how the most painful day of my life came to be splashed over the papers for all the world to laugh and gossip about is solved.'
It was all her fault, of course. She'd brought it on herself by craving the limelight. In fact, she'd actively sought it out.
She looked at Theo, standing there with that fierce look she'd grown to know and love on his face, and felt something die inside her.
It had been fun while it lasted, her and Theo - more fun than she'd had in a long while... maybe ever - but it was over now. It had to be.
'Well, I guess we're screwed.'
He frowned. 'What do you mean, we?'
'Your mother's going to love it when she reads about what a great choice you've made for a wife.' She laid on so much sarcasm she saw him blanch.
'She might not see it,' he said, sounding totally unconvinced.
She gave a sarcastic laugh. 'She'll see it. The Daily Courier is one of the most syndicated newspapers in the world and the story will be all over the internet. People love it when a celebrity crashes and burns - it's like having a big juicy bone to pick over. And I suspect your mother's friends will be keen to point it out to her as soon as they see it too.'
She got up wearily from the table and walked out of the kitchen without another word.
He didn't try and stop her, and she didn't blame him. What was the point?
She was stuffing yesterday's outfit into her weekend bag, trying to ignore the way her hands were shaking, when he walked into the bedroom and stopped dead, staring at her in confusion.
'What are you doing?'
'What does it look like I'm doing? I'm leaving.'
'Why?'
She frowned and shook her head, feigning incredulity. 'We can't have any kind of contact now. Your mum's going to find out about me and my "crazy" family and want me away from you pronto - I can guarantee it.'
He moved towards her and put his hand on her bag, stopping her from zipping it up. 'What if I don't want you to go?'
She shot him a grimace. 'Then you lose everything - your home, your business, your pride.' She shook her head and pushed his hand away from the zip so she could do it up. 'You don't want to be mixed up with someone like me, Theo. I do bad things - like lying about my mother being dead and persuading you to walk straight into a press ambush by using sex as a weapon.'
'You don't care that we'll never see each other again?' His voice sounded gruff and unsteady.
A hot torrent of guilt flooded through her, leaving a stinging resentment in its wake.
'Hell, Theo, what do you want me to say? That I'm madly in love with you and want to turn this farce into a real relationship? That I want you to give everything up for me? That I want hearts and flowers now?'
'Do you?'
She turned to face him and her breath caught painfully in her throat at the look of hope on his face. 'No, I don't. And you don't really want me. I'm selfish and self-absorbed and quite possibly "on the wrong side of crazy".'
He snorted angrily. 'Is that what you're worried about? That you'll suffer with depression like your mother and I'll shove you away into some institution? You know you shouldn't believe everything you read in the papers,' he said, evidently trying to keep his tone light, but still managing to sound like his usual ferocious self.
She shook her head. 'No. I know you'd never do that to me.'
'Then stay. Give us a chance,' he said quietly.
She swallowed hard. 'I can't.'
Throwing his hands up in frustration, he paced away from her, then strode back, cupping her face in his hands, his gaze intense with determination. 'Please, Emily.'
She stared at him in shock for one regret-filled moment, before closing herself down and shaking her head, loosening his grip on her.
'You're crazy if you think it's a good idea to risk your inheritance for me. You'll regret it and blame me, and I'm not prepared to be your emotional punchbag. That's not how I play.'
This time he put a hand on each arm and dragged her close, but she looked away, avoiding his gaze.
'You're scared and upset. I understand why, but you can't let fear take over your whole life. You need to face it some time. I'll always be here for you, Emily.' He waited until she looked him in the eye again. 'I've got your back.'
She had to fight to hold back the angry, frustrated tears. She couldn't do it to him. She'd never be able to live with herself if she let him down again - which, based on past experience, she was bound to do. It would break her heart if she sent him back into the black funk of his years after the Lauren incident. She couldn't be responsible for causing him more pain than he'd already gone through - especially after he'd worked so hard to pull himself out of the darkness and do something good with his life. He helped people. Really made a difference to their lives. A positive one. Unlike her.
She loved him too much to drag him down with her.
She loved him?
She loved him.
Oh, heaven help her, she loved him.
Her whole chest felt so tight with fear and confusion and rage at the unfairness of it all she thought she might burst.
She had to get out of there. Right now. Before she did something stupid like telling him how she really felt about him.
Looking him dead in the eye, she said, 'I'm not going to change my mind, Theo. Let me go.'
He stared at her. 'So that's it? You're just going to leave?'
Her nod was curt and definite. 'Yes.'
'And that's your final word?'
His eyes were wide and haunted, and she knew if she didn't get away from him right now, she'd lose the courage to walk away.
'No, this is.' She leant forward and brushed her lips gently against his.
Before he could put his arms around her to stop her, she backed away.
'Goodbye.'
Back in London, she let herself into her house on autopilot and took a shower, washing the smell of Theo off her for the last time, holding back the tears that pressed painfully against the back of her eyes.
When she got out, she drank a big slug of wine straight from the bottle.
It didn't help one bit.
Pacing around didn't help either.
Her eyes felt hot and aching with unshed tears, but she was determined not to give in to it.
She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't.
'Shake it off, Emily, shake it off,' she muttered to herself, flapping her hands about and letting out a maniacal laugh when she thought about how ridiculous she'd look to anyone peering in.
That numb, floaty feeling that she'd had after hearing her mother had died was back - only this time it was joined by a low pull of horror, deep in her belly.
She was never going to be able to see Theo again.
And it was all her own fault.
She'd been so busy trying to plug the gaps in her life with the meaningless adoration of strangers that she'd put herself in a position where nobody real could get near her without getting hurt.
Her mobile rang and she grabbed it quickly, glad of the distraction. Her heart rate spiked as saw the name of the executive producer of Treasure Trail flash onto the screen.
'Ben, tell me something good. Please. I'm begging you.'
There was a small pause. 'I'm sorry, Emily, it's bad news.'
She slumped down onto the sofa. Of course it was. How could it be anything else?
'After a lot of discussion, we've decided to go with Daisy Dunlop as the new face of Treasure Trail,' he went on. 'The station was pushing heavily for someone of her stature to take over, and unfortunately the story about you in the papers today was a deal-breaker for them. They felt your image wasn't quite in line with theirs.'
'Right.'
'I swear, Emily, I fought for you all the way.'
'Of course you did, Ben.' She was too exhausted by it all even to inject enough venom into the sentence to give it the cynical twist it needed.
'Look, I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll pick up something else great soon. You've a real talent, and that's not going to be overlooked for long.'
'Thanks,' she said dully, desperate to end the call now.
'Okay. Well, sorry again, and I want to wish you the very best of luck for the future.'
The future. Her bright, shiny future.
It had all turned to dust.