Panacea For Life

1. Keeping To Myself

I just wrote down the thoughts of a person who never had someone to lean on and some problems that hardly anyone understands-

I like to keep to myself and almost all the time I ignore the rest of the world. You might think that I'm rude because I ignore people when actually, I've tried to fit in but, I just can't. I learnt to love everyone but, they never understood me so, I started to keep to myself and never showing what I really feel. I don't have any more energy in me to socialize. I realized that I don't have a single true friend on whom I could lean on. People have those wonderful stories about friendship. I thought someday I would find a good friend. But, fairytales are just so beautiful unlike reality. Reality is ugly, most of the time I like to escape it and I would rather stay in my little fantasy world. I never had real friends; all of them backstab me and plot and plan against me. What have I ever done to them? I've always been nice to them. They all sugar coat their words while speaking to me and then stab knives on my back. I'm all alone despite being surrounded by so many people.

Other people think that I'm really happy in my friends circle but, I'm not, I'm just faking smiles. I never show my sorrow to anyone because; they're going to ask the reason for it. I'm going to tell them but, the sad part is they only hear and never understand. So, I've learnt to keep my feeling to myself.

There are people who support me in the tough times but, the problem is- there's just a few of them and the people who are trying to bring me down are bigger in number.

I don't trust people easily and when I do they always end up giving me a reason why not to. I've built my walls so high that it seems almost impossible to tear them down. I'm not letting anyone in, not anytime soon. All the people see my so-called friend as a generous and wise person because of her fake image. No one can see through it. She has been over-shadowing me. No one can see past her fake image. I've made mistakes. In the past, I thought she's the one true friend I was looking for. Gradually I came to know I was wrong.

I've vowed to never love anyone else again but, I never lose the love I have for the person who had hurt me in the past. I still care but, a part of me says that he's nothing but, trouble sometimes, the only reason why you won't let go of what's making you sad is because it was the only thing that made you happy. I don't even feel pain anymore I just feel numb.

Someone comes along and hurts me; it's not a new thing. I don't even bother protecting myself from getting hurt. I'm like just one of those rocks on seashore, waves come along, carve me the way they want and take what they need from me. I let people destroy me. I'm not asking for trouble, trouble invites itself in my life. I've so many feelings trapped inside me I feel like I might burst out someday. I really want to tell them to someone but, no one would really understand.

I write a lot of stories and songs related to my life. I tell everything to my journal, it's the only one who knows all about me, who knows the real me. My journal and music are the only things that understand me and make me feel better. I sometimes wonder if music wasn't here what I would have done. Music is my drug; it makes me feel less alone now, as I came to know that there are many other people in the world who feel the same as me.

The only thing I can do is- hold on and wait, letting go isn't an option.

I don't even want new people in my life, I'm enough for myself.

May be the person who would actually understand me hasn't showed up in my life yet or just doesn't exist.

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My twitter- ria17sep

Thanks for reading. :)