captive in my mind

eyes and thoughts

tears dripping on my pillow
so loud, right next to my ear
staring at the wooden ceiling
dark and light
the walls are white

blueish plants outside my window
dusk
sun long gone, ages ago

thoughts circling around in my head
thoughts about talking about my thoughts
whatever that means

why
why can't I
just like... coexist with them?
what is it all about
that stresses me out?

if I knew the reason I could prevent it I hope
but maybe this human logic doesn't do it
I love it, I hate it, I'm shattered on the floor
I know the Lord has a plan
but please share it with me

it has to be perfect
and I know I'm not
what can I do to complete it, o God?

being by myself
is as bad as
being with others
maybe they're the wrong ones
or not the right ones yet
or I am not the right one yet
probably the latter

I have not much but what I do have I throw away
I want to pick it up but I'm too exhausted to reach for it

tired eyes
the alarm clock is flashing frantically
trying to sleep anyway
trying to sleep it all away

19. August 2024