The battle between the old me and the new me

The impact of other people

Growing up, I often felt like no one believed in me, not even my family. The people I valued most, whose opinions I held in high regard, seemed to doubt me. It was hard to accept these are the people I should have been able to be myself around. Instead, I felt judged. Every time I tried to express who I truly was, there was always anger or criticism someone was always telling me no don't do that or say that. Their words and actions kept me confined, making me feel trapped in a box, which caused me to shut down mentally. It became harder and harder just to be me.

What people don't realize is how much their words and actions affect those around them, especially the people they love. You never know the weight your words carry. Just because you may forget something you said or did, doesn't mean the person you hurt has forgotten. Thankfully, I was strong enough to overcome what everyone else placed on me, but the pain lingered. I felt hurt, angry, and unheard. I felt like I had no voice because everyone else spoke for me.

My mom never taught me how to stand up for myself or to be a young thriving lady , so I didn't know who I was or who I wanted to become. I was just going through the motions of life with no purpose or direction. Like a leaf in the wind, I floated aimlessly, yet confined in a box of limitations. I was mean, bitter, hateful, scared, and hopeless. I was always hard on myself, filled with self-doubt—doubt that stemmed from my upbringing, where there was little to no real love.

My father was on drugs he was in and out of my life, and eventually, he disappeared altogether My mom was physically present but absent mentally, spiritually, and financially. There were times she wasn't even there physically. My granddad helped financially, raising me and my siblings, but he too wasn't consistently around. So, it was just me and my sisters—four young girls between the ages of 6 and 13, left to fend for ourselves. We had no guidance, no discipline, and no structure.

When my mom was around, it was always something negative. She prioritized her boyfriend over us, her children. After her breakup with my dad and him leaving us, she changed completely. She stopped cooking, stopped caring, and mentally checked out. She and her boyfriend would leave us at home alone for long periods of time. I didn't even know how to properly care for myself as a young girl—something as simple as using a pad was a mystery to me because my mom never taught me. Negativity filled the house, and in turn, it filled my mind. I began projecting that negativity out into the world.

My mom's side of the family wasn't supportive either. They saw what we were going through, but no one stepped in to help. We stopped going to family events, and life became increasingly dark. From the age of six until I was fifteen, my life felt like a blur. Time flew by, and before I knew it, I was sixteen, but I still didn't know who I was.

Because no one cared about me or my feelings, I didn't care about myself. No one gave me love, guidance, or reassurance, and I internalized that. I began to believe the opinions of others—at school, I was constantly made fun of. People said I was ugly and called me names like "mosquito" because I was skinny. My own mother told me I wouldn't amount to anything. My granddad used to say we didn't know anything. Our neighbors called us hoodlums.

All these negative words stayed in my mind, and I know how damaging it is to carry that burden. It comes from the people around you—parents, cousins, uncles, aunts, teachers, siblings, friends—all of them can leave a mark on your mental health. Their words stick. You have to have a strong sense of self to rise above it all, but as a child, I didn't have that. The negativity took over my thoughts and shaped how I saw myself and the world.

As I take you deeper into my story in the next chapter, I want to share how I got past this darkness and hopelessness. I was lost, but I found my way out. If you're going through something similar, know that things will get better. The tension in your life will ease, and you'll find peace. I had to stop living my life based on the opinions of others. I had to stop giving my power away and learn to think for myself creat my own beliefs while carrying my own reality. When I realized this, my life began to change.

But just when I thought things were getting better, I was in for a rude awakening—not a false one, but a real spiritual awakening. It all started after I met someone who I thought was the love of my life. Let's dive into that next