COVERT : Spencer Reid (II)

42

In November, Bastien was jumped while kissing a man outside of a bar.

"I mean, I know that stuff still happens," Bastien wipes snot from his nose. "But, it was nothing that I hadn't done with a girl before, and I wasn't thinking."

He sits with his back closest to the fire, but it means his face is dark. Caro is holding his hand beside him. Stéphane flanks the other side, closest to the door, one knee up like he's ready to tackle Bastien if he tries to run again. I sit across Bastien.

"It's not your fault," Caro says.

Bastien shakes his head, "it's not about fault. I just... I got away. And I was running, I remember it like I'm watching it happen, and I was almost a block, well, I realized he wasn't behind me, the guy who... I didn't even know his name. I left him."

I can feel my own heart thundering. It's more earth shattering than the raging storm. My body is a storm-bringer, and I am on a raft trapped inside.

Bastien slips his hand out of Caro's. His body goes rigid, military-straight. "I've always thought of myself as a good person. I'd never leave any of you like that. At least, I think I wouldn't, but I left him. And well, maybe I'm not so good of a guy."

The fire crackles behind him. My hands feel numb, almost cold.

"That's bullshit," Stéphane snaps. "You? A bad person? You care too much about all of us. You were just..."

"Flight," I manage, looking back at him. "You just are used to fighting when things get tough. You ran this time."

"Did he die?" Caro is as white as a ghost.

Bastien shakes his head, "nothing in the news."

"And you are alive," Stéphane says. "Who's to stay it wouldn't have been worse if you had stayed?"

My stomach twists. Already, I have had to be in the hospital with him. If it were a funeral. The thought makes my stomach twist. He would be dead, my brother, and then what would I do? Who would I become without him? What would the world look like without him in it?

"I found them, the night I got the orbital fracture," Bastien looks at me. "I tried to beat them up, but they got the best of me."

"You're so damn lucky," Stéphane shakes his head.

He is. I suppose so am I, because I have my brother here next to me. At any point in the last six months, he could have died. Maybe he does have an alcohol problem – I don't know, I'm not a physician or a psychiatrist – but I think more than anything he has a fighting problem. This time, it wasn't his fault.

I suppose most of the things that have happened to us aren't our faults. Who we've become. People are made from others, marked by others. Clay people.

"We are going to a casino after all of this," I manage.

Bastien laughs.

We go to bed. Stéphane takes the couch. Caro moves into the bunk with Bastien, who is still too cold. I wind up in my bunk well past two, and I feel like I'm swaying on my feet.

Spencer shifts on my bubnk, sitting up as I come in the room. I realize he's been sleeping. In my pajamas, that have since dried, I collapse next to him. It's a twin, really too small of a space for him, let alone both of us. He hugs me in close to his body. I bury my face in his chest.

"Thank you for not telling me," I whisper.

I feel him kiss me through my hair, "you're welcome."

We fall asleep like this, tucked in so close together.

Stéphane delays our check out time the next morning so that we can sleep in. I awake with the sun on my face and the scent of Spencer, amber and cedarwood, lingering. He's already out of bed, so I quickly get dressed.

Caro is still sleeping but no one else is there. I find the boys a way down the road, attempting to push Spencer's car out of the mud. He sees me and lifts a hand just to wave. Before I even make it they've freed the car from the mud. The sun is high in the sky, and Spencer offers to drive Basiten and I back.

After our late brunch, including Caro who has since woken, I bid Stéphane and Caro good-bye, hugging them both tightly.

"Shotgun," Bastien calls.

I roll my eyes, but we end up switching at a pitstop so Bastien can crash in the backseat anyway.

"He's really tired," Spencer whispers to me as we drive.

I glance back at him and nod, "he had me really scared for a second."

Spencer takes my hand and holds it. The future still looms over both of our shoulders, but for now this is enough. We turn down the music and drive. It's only an hour back, and with my brother in the backseat, it isn't really time for us to have conversations about any of the things we need to discuss. Realistically, it will never be. I have to accept that. I'll make time. Tonight, I'll recovery.

"Monday night," I begin. "We should have a proper conversation."

Spencer breathes in and then out, "yeah, I agree. I think we have to get on the same page about a few things."

"I want to be with you," I add. "In case that wasn't clear, or things are getting muddied. I'm not embarrassed of you. I'm just... I struggle to be vulnerable. I think I need to go back to therapy and work on that."

He squeezes my hand and then pulls it back, holding onto the steering wheel tighter. I want to kiss him. I want to be with him, properly.

"I love you," I tell him. "And I mean it."

Spencer checks his side mirror and merges into the faster lane, "I believe you, really. And you already know I love you. I have since you confessed you liked me on the plane."

Scratch that. It's not Bastien who's lucky. It's me. It's always been me.

Finally, he drops Bastien and I off at my place. I hold up the door to the lobby for him.

"Holy shit," he whispers.

I peer around him inside. There are four federal agents guarding the elevators. Four of them are in FBI uniform.

I dig into my backpack as we walk in and approach one set of elevators. Somewhere at the bottom is my badge, along with my purse, but I can't grab them.

"Colette Bouchard?"

I look up as one of them says my name. Shit.

"I'm afraid you're going to have to come with us."

~~~~~

This is short, but I'm putting together the final installment right now as there are three more chapters left in this book. Also, this chapter is quite heavy, and also ends in a cliff-hanger. Do enjoy it anyway!