The secret diary of a broken soul

Control

I sit silently on the bed and look into her eyes.
"So today it was a bad day." I say, she looks at me and then she grins.
"It's because you failed." She says with a harsh tone. I swear, she's never nice to me but I guess I have to get used to it. I look at my hands.
"Why did I fail?" I ask.
"Because you lost control, again." And I hate this. I hate to lose control. I need everything under control and I know that if I lose it, even if for a little second, she will be so mad.
"I have control over things again." I try to say, hoping she will understand but she never does and she won't this time. She looks mad. She always does,  she also often looks in pain. I wonder why she feels like that. I could ask.
"Why you look mad?" I ask. Her eyes widen in surprise, then a fake smile takes space.
"Why I look mad?" She asks again, I nod.
"Because you make me mad! You ruin my life, I wish you could just disappear. It's your fault if we lost control again, it's your fault! Yours and only yours!"
She's screaming at me and it makes me anxious. I cover my ears with my hands, I don't wanna hear her voice.
I start crying and trembling.
"Are you crying now? Well good, cry! 'Cause you ruined everything, you ruined me! I want you dead."
"Please, stop!" I say while a tear drops from my eye.
"Stop? Stop me then! Stop me, you can do it, no? Take the control, take this thing you love so much."
"I-I-I can-n't. "
"You can't? You can't stop me? Then you have to hear me screaming 'till you won't stand me anymore."
Control. Control. Control. I just need control.
We have the control, I am in control. I can control everything and I always have.
But she is screaming,  louder and louder and louder. Stop please.
Pain, I need pain.
No....no pain this time.
She is still screaming. I lost control. It's my fault, only mine.
The door of my room opens and I look into that direction.
He stands there, with a smile.
"Wanna go out for a ride?"
Control, you already planned everything and this is not in the plan.
"Sorry...not feeling well." 
He walks towards me and sits next to me and look at the mirror in front of us.
Control, I need to take the control again. He looks at me and smiles. He does not say a single word. He then stands up and grabs his helmet.
"Fine, I'll go alone then." He gets out of my room. He didn't notice I cried? I  look in  the mirror and this time I see it, for real.
This time I really see it...there's nobody other than me.
Who was I talking to? I panic.
But then I sit on the floor and look at the ceiling.
I. Need. Control.
I. Have. To. Take. It. Back.
But then I close my eyes.
I need control...but I am so tired. But I don't want her to scream again, so it does not matter I am tired.
I need control.

-Bella X.