Life Of Curve Balls

Part 3 Silent Years

   Please note, for privacy, this story omits some names. As I mentioned in my last chapter, we moved a lot - the 14th house. Great memories, my mom always had parties and as kids, we always had fun with our family friend's kids which were like family – it was AMAZING!! But this one thing I held onto for years. My brothers were always my protectors and to this day I know they would still be there – even though we are distant these days. I was the age of 6 or so and living in the 14th house. We lived on the upper floor, My parents, 3 brothers and myself. I remember waking up but not feeling awake, like a nightmare was happening and I could feel everything - the feeling of pain in my vagina, and seeing who it was. Now this story is hard to tell cause I lived this thought and nightmare and all I could think of is could it happen!? how do I say anything!? Why would he do this to me!? So many things as I aged. It stuck with me. I told a few people over the years. But I couldn't tell my parents. I still didn't want to believe it was true and how violated and hurt I was. Years later at the age of 28 one of my brothers was living with me. I was on my way home from work and had received had call from me the hurt in her voice and pain for my brother, I knew something was wrong. She says frantically sister, you need to get home NOW, brother has something to tell you. I couldn't believe it - it happened to him too by the same person. My world crashed, all this pain, anger, hurt, fear all the emotions - my nightmare did happen. After all this confusion and questioning myself for years, I had the reassurance that it did happen.

   My brother and I cried and we spoke about it - we called the parents and told them everything. My mom KNEW something had happened to me and knew I was hiding in the darkness in silence for years. I told my "father" about it a year ago. He told my brother, whom I looked up to. But, that night, they were at my father's place. I remember talking to him on the phone that night after everything was brought up and my brother had said the one word that sets off anyone, GOOF!! That person was confronted and he got in his truck and came to my suite. When he arrived he hid by my door and tried to enter my place. Brother opened the door and a fight broke out and I didn't know what to do. I don't call the cops but I had to. I did have a gun at the time, so I had to hide it as we shared laundry with the neighbors. I ran and jumped over the two fighting and ran and hid behind a vehicle. Cops showed up, and all they said was we should go to victim services. How shameful of the "To Serve and Protect".. yeah, my ass!!

I want to add a few side notes and answer some questions of those that are going through your head.. probably wondering, who was this guy that molested them!? And why won't she tell us!? The reason is he was young and I tried to give the benefit of the doubt (as fucked up as that sounds) and he too was molested by someone close to our family. He was a protector of mine and in my eyes is. I'm not saying it's right, cause it's wrong, violating, and disgusting. As you read on you will get to know me more and how I deal/dealt with trauma. At the end of the day, he was confronted and I got closure. The first step to closure and dealing with trauma is ACCEPTANCE.. you have to ACCEPT the fact it wasn't your fault and it did happen step 2 is forgiving the situation, not the person. And we will go on about dealing with it more. Back to the story; another brother with my father that night. Mike punched him in the face (this was the day before my grandpa's funeral) and called me a liar and a drama queen. I understand there are a lot of people out there that blame others for rape and molestation etc... it's not right and the consequences for their actions will be a lot worst than the person being accused. I looked up to all my brothers for different things - they all tauTeachers offered varied guidance, yet I forged my own path. Their counsel informed but didn't dictate my choices. I weighed their wisdom. Then, I charted my course. I balanced their input with my judgment. what to do with their advice. Now this one brother Mike particularly really was one I paid attention to cause he taught me a lot about Survival and outdoor activities.. needless to say, he was a redneck. He is settled down and has an amazing wife and two beautiful children. He was in a really bad spot and we were apart most of my childhood cause my "father" decided to move away, take him, and become a drug addict. Reconnecting in Invermere, BC, I found myself caught between two warring forces: my brother and father. Their mutual hatred simmered beneath the surface. Sensing my father's unspoken desire to reconcile with one of his many sons, I orchestrated a reunion. I summoned my brother to our mountain town, setting the stage for a long-overdue confrontation. The ensuing drama unfolded swiftly, leaving little room for drawn-out explanations.. They started talking again, then when I moved away he met his now wife and they had children together - I'm so proud of him. It makes my heart full knowing he's doing great and I did a great thing - cause that's what I do. It kills me knowing he hates me and wants nothing to do with me as he calls me a liar about me being molested. If you read this Mike, please know that this story is true and I never told people to get him in trouble - I lived in Silence for Years and I just needed closure. You have trauma too and I hope you find peace within. And that goes for all my family. To everyone dealing with trauma: I'm not a therapist. I have no formal training in therapy. I'm a survivor (and there's more, as you read on). 

Please try what I did:   1. Acceptance 2. Forgiving the situation, not necessarily the person. 3. Confronting that person ONLY if it doesn't put you in danger. Confront them through a fake email address, letter, or in person – but try not to be angry, anger only lets them win. 4. Find your peace and talk to someone. 5. Know you're not alone