Jemily - Everything has changed

Passing Ship's

Emily POV 

That girl's night felt like a dream. The whole night is blurred into one except the walk home. I think I'll remember every second of that forever. Something changed, everything changed, maybe nothing? I don't know, I've been in a state of panic and also elation ever since that moment by her porch. 

We were so close to our lips touching, to finally getting what I've wanted more than anything- to be with JJ. I still feel the linger of her touch on my ribs and my head. The atmosphere that surrounded us that entire walk home feels like it's following me around. 

I'm still confused as to what actually happened. I was convinced that she would never in a million years she would look at me like that. I was convinced she was straight. But then she comes out. And then she looked at me like THAT. How did we enter that room as friends, albeit I had a crush on her, and end the night almost kissing. But it felt more than just a potential kiss, it felt like a shift in our relationship. 

I hope so anyway.

It's been 3 days since the walk home and I've not had a chance to speak to her. Not that I know what I would even say. Would I ignore what happened? Ask what it meant? Say we should forget it? 

I don't know but all I know is I'm desperate to see her. I feel a longing just to see her, to be in the same room as her. 

Of course, the one time we actually get a couple days off is the one time I want to be in the office. I've been in and out of the BAU over these days to finish off some paperwork and do some admin but JJ has never once been there. I've literally seen every member of our team except her. We've been called back in today to go on a new case, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I've decided to play it by ear, which I'm not known at being the best at. But, I don't know what else to do. 

I hope she wasn't caught up in the moment and that it meant as much to her as it did me. But do I. Argghhh. Obviously I want to be with her so bad, but even if she feels the same way I don't know how we'd be together. I'd be terrified I'd hurt her, that I'd put up my defences and not let her in. I know I can be harsh and cold sometimes, I can be quick acting on my feelings instead of acting rationally. I also run. Run from my feelings and the people I love. It's a cycle I've been taught from my family, they run from each other and they ran from me when I came out. If I was to be with JJ, I'd be so scared I would ruin everything we have, I don't know if I could make her happy.

As much as I want to be with her, I know I have a lot of issues to work through before I get there. Right know I just have to walk through the doors of the BAU. I got here really early just on pure adrenaline of seeing JJ, and now I need to go in, I feel frozen to the spot.

"Emily" Knocking on the window snaps me back to reality. Rossi's outside the window ushering me to walk in with him. 

"You looked in a world of your own there kid." We've been walking in silence for a bit, but Rossi has a power of knowing when something's wrong. Maybe that's why he created the BAU.

"What you profiling me now Rossi?" He chuckles at this but stays silent to let me talk.

"I'm fine honestly, having some time off just makes you feel like it's your first day again. First day chitter's I guess" I laugh. I know I haven't convinced him but he knows I won't give any more information. 

"Okay" he tuts. "Don't bottle whatever it actually is up though okay?"

"Okay" I nod. We step into the lift and just as it's about to close, someone sticks their hand through the doors. The doors open. Me and JJ lock eyes. My heart starts to race and my mouth goes dry. I just stare at her open mouthed and she does the same.