The Boon of Alon

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

For once, I don't feel intimidated by Suthi's presence. I think we're finally on the same page—she knows now where I stand. Also, she's wringing her hands in front of her. I think she might be the one feeling intimidated.

"Um," she says. "You explained yourself, so...I guess I should, too?"

Yeah, that'd sure be nice. I nod, hopefully in an encouraging way and not a demanding one. She takes a deep breath.

"About the—you said I took it personally. I, um..." She trails off. After a speechless moment, she buries her face in her hands. "Gods, you made it look so easy! Does being angry make you brave?"

Huh. I didn't think it was that hard to admit—harder for me to figure it out in the first place, maybe. "Uh...I think being angry mostly makes me stupid." I wouldn't have said even half that stuff otherwise.

She makes a weird noise that might be a giggle or a snort or both, then presses her hands harder against her face, wide-eyed. What I can see of her face darkens and I swallow a laugh—that sure wouldn't help right now. Instead, I wait until she slides her hands down off her face and takes another deep breath.

"Um, I thought you wouldn't talk to me because you thought I wasn't good enough," she says quickly, then stares, waiting for my response.

"Oh," I say. "Huh." Suthi, five-time tourney champion, not good enough? I understand the pressure, but... "Not good enough...how?"

She lets out a breath, like she was holding it, then sucks in another. "I...dunno? Just in general. Like I was, um, lacking in some way."

"Huh. Well, just to be really clear—after the whole trying-to-kill-me thing, the only issue I had with you personally was that you were being pushy. Nothing else about you was a factor." If we're being honest, there's a lot about her that appeals to me. At least visually. I guess I could call it cute how scared she is of me when I'm half her size, too.

"Okay." She nods once before she stops and chews her lip. "Nothing else? 'Cause I never really—never been in love, never really got, uh, all that, so it seemed—you know, easy, or meant to be, or—but the only people who ever, um, pursued me, were men, so..."

Somehow I doubt that. I have to wonder how many girls got close to her only to realize they were just friends. But also holy shit does that explain some things.

"Nothing else," I repeat, only barely keeping my voice from cracking and my eyes from scanning her head to toe. I already know what she looks like and I don't need her to know I like it.

"Oh," she says, and then she looks me up and down and that hot sunlight feeling is back in full force, despite the clouds above. "Well. Good, I think?"

To avoid setting myself on fire, I shrug. She nods back, visibly relaxing.

"Okay, so, that makes sense?"

"Yep." My voice does crack this time, but she doesn't react.

"Good." She relaxes more. "I feel better. I think..."

"You think...?"

She shrugs. "It was weighing on me."

Well, I know that feeling. "Yeah."

She fidgets. "So...what now?"

Longer term, I still want to talk to Iamon, assuming I ever can given that I now know for sure he finds me annoying. Short term, I look up at the clouds.

"Go inside before it rains?" I suggest, so we do.

We have some time before dinner, since our training was interrupted, but there's a difference between being willing to talk and actually hanging out, so I excuse myself to go hide in the archive for a while. Suthi lets me go without a grumble—I wonder if hanging out is too much for her right now, too. Gods know we've had trouble this whole time knowing what to say to each other. So I go back to Alinora's journals, on the off chance I can learn anything worthwhile about Iamon or find a time when she did push back.