(un)forgettable

13 The beginning or the end

Fort

The lab looks like it was run by wild monkeys. I hardly recognize the sterile and neat room it used to be a couple of months ago. Papers and books are everywhere; the table and half of the floor are covered with lab equipment; charts and formulae are stuck to the walls; prints with different brain scans are lined up on the window – this is quite a disturbing lab mess.

"You okay?" I ask, cautiously, trying to navigate around this mad scientist's wonderland.

"Actually, I am," Na Fai says, sitting on a chair in her white lab coat.

"Cinnamon and ginger latte." I hand her a large paper cup.

"Thanks, darling. Ignore the mess. I know what you are thinking but I'm not crazy. I just have no time to clean up. I need an assistant. A trusted one. They are not easy to find. Oh, please sit –" she looks around and waves at a stack of books, "Somewhere."

"I'm fine."

"So, how's Luc?"

"He's great," I can't hold a smile, thinking about my boyfriend.

When I don't elaborate, Fai says, "Glad to hear that. But how's his power? Still there?" I bob my head a few times. "Good," she says. "I mean, no, not good at all... but... Here," she hands me a little yellow bottle.

My heart picks up the pace. I breathe out slowly. "Is it -" I stop, not bold enough to hope.

Na Fai nods. "Experimental psychotropic mix. Mostly, antidepressants." She sighs. "Hopefully, in theory, it should train his brain not to generate the memory-erasing impulses at every contact. There can be side effects. It's not properly tested. I tried a couple just to test the safety."

"Na! Get yourself rats or mice, or who you, scientist, usually torture for the greater good. Please, stop experimenting on yourself!"

"I'm fine. I tried to test one of my theories on a rat, but he was so cute, I took him home. Tin named him Remy, it's our baby now." I shake my head. This is ridiculous, my aunt is completely crazy. "Anyway." She pauses to sip on her latte. "It should be safe. It made me a bit sleepy. Maybe it was just tiredness, not the pills, who knows. I'm not a doctor." Another sip of the latte. "But don't expect any miracles. One pill won't change him overnight. My guess is – changes should start after at least a couple of weeks. If at all. Nobody knows, there's no guarantee, nobody has done it before."

It's something. Maybe it's a start. I'm too scared to think positively but how can I not? There's a chance that these little pills will cure Luc. Oh my God. I'm feeling light-headed.

"Thanks," I say.

"And make him come to the lab. It would be much easier if I could monitor his beautiful brain regularly. Also, I miss him. Being all cute and shy and furious."

"I'll talk to him," I promise her, meaning I definitely won't force Luc to come here, to this crazy rat mom.

Luc

"What's that?" I ask, taking an unlabeled pill bottle from Fort. I can make a guess, but I don't dare to hope this is actually possible.

"A present from Na Fai," Fort says.

We are in Fort's car at the university parking lot. The sky is grey and grim. I can see dark stripes of rain already pouring down in the distance. We have mere minutes before it gets here.

I look at Fort, cautiously. I can't read the expression on his face. "Pills?"

Fort takes a long deep breath, then turns to me and smiles, eyes wide and shiny. "The cure," he says.

My heart is pounding in my throat. "Fuck," I choke out. "Fuck."

"I know, right?" Fort looks so excited, so happy. "Well, Na Fai can't guarantee any results. It has never been tested. But it's a start, right?"

I nod. I've been dreaming about it for so long. The cure. The miracle. The normal life. But now, holding the bottle in my hands, it feels... Well, I feel a lot. I feel guilty for avoiding the lab, while the prof has been working alone on the cure for me all this time. I feel grateful for everything she and Fort have done for me. I'm hopeful and excited, too, of course. But there's something else I never expected to feel at this moment.

"What?" Fort asks, reading me like an open book.

I chew my lip, unsure, deliberately avoiding Fort's eyes. "What if I won't take them?" I ask, my voice's small.

There's a pause. Then Fort says, "Why? I thought you wanted it." He is confused. I'm even more so.

I did want it. I still want it. It's just... Fuck. I don't remember myself without the Forgettizer. I don't know who Luc is without his fucked up superpower. A total loser, perhaps. And that's a scary thought. There's a chance these pills will turn me into someone else. There won't be this Luc anymore – this constantly freaking out, messed up, and crazy-in-love-with-Fort Luc. It feels a bit like suicide.

"If I choose to stay like this," I say, throat suddenly dry, leg jitters nervously, "Will you stay with me? You won't leave me, right?" I feel so small, weak, and pathetic. Don't cry, just don't cry now.

There's a heavy silence. I hear Fort shift in the driver's seat. "Look at me," he says softly. I glance out of the window, the rain is almost here. I close my eyes for a few seconds, take a deep breath, and turn to Fort. Gosh, he's so fucking beautiful. Why do I have to be so messed up all the fucking time? I've hurt and disappointed Fort so many times already. I want to run home, curl up in my bed and cry. "Luc," Fort says, he doesn't sound angry or hurt, just worried. "I told you I won't leave you, no matter what. You don't have to worry about me or us. We'll be great regardless. We don't even know if this thing works. And there's a chance nothing ever will, right? But I still want to be with you. These pills," he nods at the bottle in my hands. "They are for you. Not me. I don't want you to change yourself for me. I like you either way. If you decide to take the pills, do it for yourself and only if you want it. Be as selfish as you want. Okay?"

A big fat, traitorous tear slips from my cheek and falls onto my pants. I wipe my face with my sleeve. I'm such a crybaby.

"Hey. It's okay," Fort says with his soft and caring voice, and I want to kick something. "We'll be alright. I promise," Fort says, gently patting my knee. "You don't have to make any decisions now. We can talk it through if you want. Just think about it," Fort says, pulling out of the parking lot.

It starts pouring down in buckets. It's hard to see anything beyond a couple of meters ahead on the road.

I want to talk to Mark. And Ton, maybe.

Gosh. Was the monk right all along? Do I want to keep the demon?

Am I the demon?

A bright lightning flashes across the dark grey sky.

I glance at my boyfriend. He's holding the steering wheel too tightly, looking straight ahead. There's a wrinkle in his brow, jaw clenched and lips thin.

I lean across the console and kiss his shoulder – or more like his jacket, but whatever. Fort throws me a smile so wide and warm that it has the potential to melt all the ice of the North Pole.

Fuck this shit. I'm going to eat these pills like candies, because I do want to be free of the fucking demon and I do want to be in control of my own life, thank you very much.

And I will become the boyfriend Fort deserves. I'll give him my all.