UNSPOKEN REALITIES

I AM NOT A GOOD FRIEND

I Am Not a Good Friend...

Currently, I only consider one person to be truly close to me, someone I never imagined would play a crucial role in my life. Two individuals in circumstances convenient for both—that's how it all began.

A reflection, a mirror: that was what I saw when I looked at that person. To this day, I still question why I felt the need to get closer. Curiosity? Empathy? Or selfishness? The lost gaze, the sighs... The more I observed, the more I felt I could understand what was going on in his mind. My curiosity turned into an obsession to know his situation. I tried to get closer, but every time I did, I felt I was only being a nuisance; yet something within me wouldn't let me stop trying. I had never acted this way before. After a while, I managed to have a somewhat extended conversation about our personal lives—nothing deep, but over time, that changed. For me, it was already too late... I think from the beginning I knew that I would be the one who could destroy what I had built with so much effort, as always.

I was right to believe that I would have some things in common with this person, not necessarily good things. Perhaps that's why I felt it was a safe space for me; I felt I could talk for hours without being judged, that there was someone who could understand every word I said. However, when I realized how much I was talking about myself, I felt deeply selfish. I started out wanting to learn more about this person but ended up talking entirely about myself. It was something I couldn't stop... Was that really why I wanted his friendship? We have been through very similar situations, but I feel it's foolish to compare them. I think it all began because I decided to cling to the first person who would listen to me, even if only for a moment. I wanted to be the only support for this person... I wanted to be the only one who understood his situation. I thought I finally had something unique, something no one else possessed. I have always been the extra person... the one left out. I did everything possible to be the first in something, but it was a mistake. Everything turned into an obsession masquerading as empathy. I tried to mask my selfishness with kindness. Being away from this person has made me realize all that I didn't want to see before. I was never completely honest. There was another person who needed help, someone to talk to, and coincidentally, that person wanted the same listener who had been there for me when I needed it most. It was then that I realized how selfish I had been.

All that is in the past. At this moment, I don't know what to say... I don't feel the same way. The only thing I know is that I hate myself, I detest myself for not feeling anything. I regret... that's what I think. I wish I could believe that I don't mean much to the only person I consider a friend, since I don't feel anything myself. I don't know when this began, I don't know if it's really all over, I don't know if I need a break because once I tried to take a break and couldn't set it aside. I don't understand myself, I don't understand anything, I don't want to understand anything. If what I think is happening is true, I just want to apologize to that person. I want to apologize for being the one who started all this and now being the one who doesn't know if it should end or not. I don't want to end anything, but I also lack the motivation to continue. I want to convince myself that I am just exhausted because I don't want to face the possibility that this person no longer means as much to me as he once did. Yet, just thinking about it makes it a real possibility.

In this friendship, I am the problem... I never knew what I truly wanted, not only in my social circle but also in my life. I know that person will read all this, and I just hope he won't think that this journey meant nothing to me. I don't want him to think that I don't want to keep talking... I just wish he could somehow understand what I can't express clearly in words, as I am terrible at articulating my feelings. I simply don't know what to do with my surroundings. I don't want this friendship to end, but I'm also not making the effort to continue it.

For these reasons, I think I would be better off away from everything... I don't want anyone worrying about me, as I have already experienced the helplessness of not being able to do anything to help someone improve emotionally.

Maybe I'm just overthinking about the situation.