Feel Pretty

twenty two (Odell)

The sky was still dark when I woke up, the air in my room feeling heavy, like it was filled with something I couldn't name. I stared at the ceiling, my heart pounding in my chest, and I knew immediately why.

It was my birthday.

But it wasn't just my birthday-it was her birthday too. It was Diana's birthday, and it was the day she went missing, never to come back. The day my twin sister, my other half, was taken from me in the most brutal, unimaginable way.

I rolled over in bed, pulling the blankets tighter around me as if they could shield me from the memories that were already clawing their way to the surface. But it was no use. I could never escape this day, this date that had been seared into my soul, a constant reminder of everything I had lost.

Diana was everything to me. She was the definition of beautiful, not just in the way she looked but in the way she lived. She had this energy, this light, that drew people to her like moths to a flame. Everyone adored her-her friends, our parents, even strangers. She had a way of making everyone feel special, like they were the most important person in the world.

And I was her Barbie doll.

I couldn't help but smile, even through the pain, at the memory. Diana had always loved dressing me up, even when we were little. She'd drape me in her scarves, paint my nails, and insist that I twirl around like a ballerina while she clapped her hands and cheered.

"You're so pretty, Della," she'd say, beaming at me like I was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen. "Prettier than any doll I've ever had."

I used to laugh and tell her she was silly, that I wasn't pretty at all, but she never listened. Diana adored every part of me-my beauty, my sense of art, my love for dance. She made me feel special, like I was worth something, like I mattered.

And I loved it. I loved being her doll, her little brother that she could dress up and show off. She made me feel pretty in a way no one else ever had, in a way no one else ever could.

But then she was gone, and suddenly, all that attention that had been on her shifted to me. Everyone started looking at me, seeing me, as if I was supposed to fill the void she left behind. But I couldn't. I wasn't Diana. I wasn't beautiful like her. I wasn't confident or charming. I was just... Odell.

And that's when the doubt started to creep in, slowly at first, then all at once. I began to see myself through the eyes of everyone around me, and all I could see were the flaws, the imperfections. I wasn't pretty. I wasn't worth the attention. I wasn't anything compared to her.

I wished every day that she was still here, that she could still tell me I was pretty, that she loved me, that I mattered. But she wasn't, and all I had left were the memories and the crushing weight of the expectations I could never meet.

My chest tightened, and I felt the tears coming before I could stop them. I buried my face in the pillow, trying to stifle the sobs that threatened to break free. I missed her so much. I missed her voice, her laugh, the way she would hug me so tight it felt like she was trying to squeeze all the sadness out of me.

But most of all, I missed the way she made me feel-like I was enough, like I was special, like I was loved. Without her, I didn't know how to feel that anymore.

I stayed like that for a long time, curled up in bed, lost in the memories, until the tears eventually stopped. When I finally forced myself to get up, the sun had risen, casting a pale light through the curtains. But it didn't feel like a new day. It just felt like another reminder of everything I had lost.

I went through the motions of getting dressed, barely registering what I was doing. I didn't bother with anything special-just a plain sweater and jeans, something that wouldn't draw any attention. The last thing I wanted today was people looking at me, judging me, comparing me to her.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was heading out, and I almost didn't recognize the person staring back. My eyes were red and puffy from crying, my hair a mess, and my face pale. I looked... tired. Worn out. Not pretty. Never pretty.

I wished, more than anything, that Diana was here. That she could hug me and tell me that she loved me, that I was perfect just the way I was. But she wasn't, and all I had were the memories, bittersweet and haunting.

With a heavy heart, I walked into the bathroom, thinking maybe a bath would help, but it didn't. The water felt like nothing, just a cold, wet reminder of the emptiness inside me. I slid down into the tub, letting the water cover my ears, the silence heavy and suffocating.

Tears slipped down my cheeks again, mixing with the water. I couldn't hold them back anymore. I cried until I couldn't breathe, until my chest hurt and my throat was raw. I cried until the exhaustion took over, and I finally drifted off into a restless, dreamless sleep.

When I woke up, I wasn't sure how much time had passed. The water was cold now, and I was shivering, my body stiff from being curled up in the tub for so long. I was about to force myself up when I heard voices outside the bathroom door-Eli and Everly.

"Odell? Are you in there?" Eli's voice was soft, but I could hear the concern in it.

"Maybe he's still sleeping?" Everly suggested, but there was a hint of doubt in her voice too.

The door creaked open slightly, and I heard Eli's sharp intake of breath. "Odell!"

They rushed in, and before I knew it, Eli was kneeling by the tub, his hands on my shoulders. "Odell, what are you doing? You're freezing."

I couldn't bring myself to answer, couldn't even look at him. I just stared down at the water, my vision blurry with tears that hadn't yet fallen.

"Let's get you out of there," Eli murmured, his voice gentle as he helped me out of the tub. He wrapped a towel around me, rubbing my arms to warm me up. "You shouldn't have stayed in there so long."

Everly handed him another towel, her eyes wide with worry. "We were going to get you ready for your day, but..."

I shook my head, the words stuck in my throat. I didn't want to get ready. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to disappear.

Eli must have seen it in my eyes because he pulled me into a hug, holding me tight. "You don't have to do anything today if you don't want to," he whispered. "We're here, okay? We're not going anywhere."

I nodded against his chest, feeling the warmth of his embrace, but it did little to chase away the cold, hollow feeling inside me. All I could think about was how Diana used to hug me like this, how she used to make everything better. But she wasn't here, and nothing felt okay anymore.

"Let's get you dressed," Eli said softly, guiding me out of the bathroom. "We'll figure out the rest later."

I let him lead me, too numb to protest. Today was supposed to be a day of celebration, but all it felt like was a reminder of everything I had lost, everything I could never get back.

I just wished she was still here to tell me that I mattered. That I was loved. That I was pretty.