Feel Pretty

twenty three (Tanner)

I lay on my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. The memories of Diana flooded my mind, making my eyes well up with tears. Diana—my Diana. She had been the light in my life, her presence a beacon that guided me through the darkest times. I could still feel the softness of her hair between my fingers, the way it would slip like silk through my hands. I used to play with it for hours, watching her as she slept, her eyelashes resting delicately on her cheeks, her lips slightly parted in a serene expression. She was my everything, the center of our little world—Odell, Eli, Everly, and me. But now, we were missing our brightest star.

Everly had been away in high school when everything happened, but now she was back. We were all together in college, all except for Diana. The weight of her absence pressed down on me, making my chest ache. Every day without her felt like a punishment, a constant reminder of what I had failed to protect.

I was lost in thought when my phone rang, pulling me out of my grief. Eli's name flashed on the screen.

I took a deep breath before answering. "Hey."

"Hey, how are you holding up?" Eli's voice was gentle, but I could hear the concern behind it.

"Not great," I replied, my voice trembling despite my efforts to keep it steady.

"I'm sorry, man. I know today's tough for you. Dell isn't doing well either," Eli said, his tone shifting to something more determined. "But we need to keep his spirits up. Diana wouldn't want him living in the past, you know that. We're planning a small party for him—just Everly, you, me, and his parents. If you're up for it."

I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat making it difficult to speak. The thought of pretending to be okay, of putting on a brave face for Odell, felt like a mountain I wasn't sure I could climb. But Eli was right. Diana wouldn't want us wallowing in grief, especially not on a day meant for celebrating life. I forced a weak smile, even though he couldn't see it.

"Yeah, sure. I'll come," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Okay, see you soon," Eli said before ending the call.

I sighed, the weight of the day settling back on my shoulders as I pushed myself out of bed. I needed to get dressed, to find a way to face the world, even if just for a little while. I pulled on a tank top, feeling the cool fabric against my skin, then grabbed a black-and-white striped sweater and a pair of jeans. But as I took off the sweaty tank top in the bathroom, something caught my eye in the mirror.

My reflection stared back at me, and I was instantly transported back to that night—four years ago, the night that changed everything. The night that took Diana from me.

Flashback - Four Years Ago

It was her birthday, and I had spent weeks planning everything down to the smallest detail. It was supposed to be perfect—her first birthday as my girlfriend. I made her breakfast in bed, took her to a flower show, and we spent hours wandering through the stalls at the amusement park. We laughed, held hands, and took silly photos, our cheeks hurting from smiling so much. I remember thinking that this was it—this was happiness.

As the day drew to a close, I took her to see a movie. By the time it ended, it was almost 11 PM. We walked to the bus stop hand in hand, too exhausted to notice the danger lurking in the shadows. I had left my car at home, thinking it would be nice to spend the day without worrying about driving. It was supposed to be a perfect end to a perfect day.

The bus was nearly empty when we got on. We sat together, whispering and laughing, lost in our little bubble. But that bubble burst the moment I noticed a shadow moving closer. I pulled Diana closer to me, wrapping my arm around her protectively. I tried to ignore the sense of dread creeping up my spine, but when the man asked what we were doing out so late, I knew something was wrong.

Another man touched Diana's shoulder, and without thinking, I slapped his hand away. But it was no use. More men appeared, and I realized we were trapped. I tried to punch the man who had touched her, tried to fight them off, but I was outnumbered. One of them hit me hard, and I felt my vision blur as Diana was ripped from my arms.

Her screams still haunt me. They ripped at her clothes, violating her in ways I couldn't stop. I tried to fight, but they held me down, stabbing me in the side to keep me from interfering. The pain was unbearable, but it was nothing compared to the agony of watching her suffer. I could do nothing but watch as they broke her, tore her apart piece by piece.

After what felt like an eternity, they threw us out of the bus like garbage. The next morning, a passerby found us. The police came, the ambulance arrived, but it was too late for Diana. She died later that day, leaving me with nothing but a deep, unhealable wound of regret and guilt.

I blinked, my eyes stinging with tears as I was pulled back to the present. I could feel the scar on my side, the one that reminded me every day of my failure. I leaned against the marble counter, letting the tears fall as the memories overwhelmed me. The pain of that night, the loss of Diana, was still as fresh as it had been four years ago.

As I tried to gather my strength, another memory surfaced—one that was as bittersweet as it was beautiful. I remembered the time I sang "Diana" by One Direction to her. She loved that song, loved One Direction more than anything. Simped over Styles and Tomlinson right in front of me yet I found it cute. I had chosen it carefully, rehearsed it a million times before finally mustering up the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend.

And now, I can clearly reflect on the lyrics...

Diana, let me be the one to
Light a fire inside those eyes
You've been lonely, you don't even know me
But I can feel you crying
Diana, let me be the one to lift your heart up and save your life
I don't think you even realize
Baby, you'd be saving mine...

I choked on a sob as the lyrics echoed in my mind. She had always loved that song, had always teased me about how I had gone out of tune during the chorus. But she had said yes, had become my girlfriend, and for a brief moment, everything had been perfect. Now, the song was just another reminder of what I had lost—what we had lost.

I wanted to scream, to punch the walls, to let out the rage that burned inside me. But all I could do was sink to the floor, my back against the cold tile as I buried my face in my hands. The guilt, the anger, the sadness—it all came crashing down on me at once, suffocating me.

I should have done more. I should have protected her. But I had failed her, and there was no going back. The weight of that failure was a burden I carried every day, a constant reminder that I was not the man I thought I was. Diana had believed in me, had trusted me with her heart, and I had let her down in the worst way possible.

I didn't know how long I sat there, lost in my grief, but eventually, the sound of my phone buzzing snapped me out of it. I wiped my tears, trying to compose myself before answering. It was a message from Eli.

Eli: We're heading to Odell's place now. You coming?

I stared at the message, my fingers hovering over the screen. The thought of facing Odell, of seeing the pain in his eyes, was almost too much to bear. But I knew I had to go. He needed me, and despite my own suffering, I couldn't abandon him. Not today.

Me: Yeah, I'll be there soon.

I pushed myself up from the floor, splashing some water on my face to wash away the traces of my breakdown. I looked at my reflection one last time, my eyes red and puffy from crying, and I took a deep breath. I had to be strong, for Odell's sake, for Diana's memory.

Grabbing my sweater and keys, I made my way to the door. As I stepped outside, the cool evening air hit me, and for a moment, I felt a sense of clarity. This day was never going to be easy, but I had to remember that I wasn't alone. We had each other, and that was enough to get through this.

The drive to Odell's house was quiet, the radio playing softly in the background. My mind kept drifting back to the past, to the memories of Diana that were so vivid they felt like they could reach out and touch me. But I forced myself to focus on the road ahead. I had to keep moving forward, no matter how hard it was. For Odell. For Eli. For Everly.