Dirty Thoughts (l.s.)

Part 8

"It happened!" Harry smiled like a madman hugging his leg close to his torso. "The thing we talked about last time. It happened."

Lora smiled back at him, her lips tight like she was holding back laughter.

"So, you and Louis had penetrative sex, correct?"

Harry giggled at the therapist's wording.

"We made love," he nodded biting his lip, blush dusting his cheeks.

"Did you talk to him about being worried?" she asked putting her glasses on.

"Well," Harry remembered bending over the sink in the bar toilet to show off his new plug. "Not exactly, but we talked a bit, yeah." She raised a brow at him. "We really did!"

"Let's go over it again then," she opened the previous page of her notepad. "We established that sex for you is somewhat of your primal way to connect with people while at the same time an escape mechanism. It's also your way to reclaim power, am I right?"

"Not so much anymore," Harry was still blushing.

"I see," she nodded, writing that down. "It all goes back to you feeling humiliated when you lost your virginity, and your reaction to the act of humiliation was no different to what a usual one would be, do you understand that?"

"You mean like still liking it?"

"No, I mean using it to get the power back. People tend to do that, repeating or reacting the traumatic event in their head and finding ways to make it better. Or actually doing it."

"It's not like that with Louis."

"Because you don't see him as a threat. You are not afraid of him humiliating you or making you feel weak."

Harry nodded.

"That's why something so mundane to you had a different feeling to it," she continued. "You said that you were never this nervous to have sex with someone."

"I said a lot of things and I'm sorry," Harry cringed, remembering his rant about Louis during his last session.

"That's totally fine, I'm just interested what do you think about it. And what were you really afraid of, Harry?"

He opened his mouth and closed it. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk about it. He simply wasn't sure where to start.

"For one, I didn't have any serious relationships from the start of all this escort thing," he gathered his first thought. "I think I was worried that Louis might find something about me...repulsing."

"For example?"

He chewed on his lip in thought.

"I'm sure you can imagine that having a lot of anal sex is not really healthy, you know?" he chuckled nervously. "Like, I had a lot of clients who wanted me to top, women too, obviously, but still, I used to have some problems connected to bottoming."

"Physical problems?" she furrowed her brows. "I'm sorry, I truly feel like I'm not educated enough in that field."

"That's okay," Harry chuckled again, feeling better and worse at the same time. "Yes, I had to make occasional visits to the doctor and like make sure that I'm fine in that department. It can hurt sometimes and not all people are gentle the way they should be. It can cause damage."

"So, you didn't feel healthy enough to be comfortable?"

"No, I knew that I was fine, it's just," he struggled with his words. "I think, I wasn't feeling attractive in this department. Like worthy for Louis to actually like have me."