to the ends of the earth

fourteen

The days that followed were difficult and draining, but our plan was set in motion, and thus far it was working. Nelson and I had started our act that same night, in the dining saloon, where everyone could see us.

Besides Zahra, Anwar had joined us as well that night, having no clue about what was going on behind the curtains. The dining saloon was filled to capacity, which made it all the more stressful, but Nelson helped me through it.

At every dinner and breakfast, we’d sit close, his hand occasionally resting on my arm or shoulder, our conversations filled with warm laughter, intimate whispers and loving gazes. Here and there we exchanged subtle touches and playful glances. We arrived together, we left together.

On the third day, it started to feel natural.

Colin’s watchful eyes were on us every single time, brows furrowed together as if he was attempting to decipher what was going on. He never confronted us, kept on acting like the kind gentleman. The evil hiding beneath the façade never eluded me.

He couldn’t fool me.

Meeting Julie’s gaze at every occasion felt like torture. I saw everything; her polite smiles when she was with Colin, the forced laughter that seemed genuine to everyone else, her strong composure, the adoring glances – to the outside, it looked like she was in love with him, and it started to gradually look like Colin believed it too.

Still, I’d notice the silent suffering he brought to her.

The way he leaned in to whisper things into her ear, a grimace on his face as he did, meanwhile Julie would stiffen for just a split-second. Then there was the movement of Colin’s hand on her thigh under the table, his grip tightening whenever she spoke to someone else. Whenever Julie would try to do things independently, he was always there, intercepting any interaction he deemed not tolerable. He controlled everything. I still caught glimpses of new bruises too. They were hidden well, barely able to be seen, except I knew where to look.

I’d barely interacted with Julie. The moments we did have together, were overshadowed by the fear of being seen alone together, or we were simply in the company of others. Being away from each other like that, playing this role, knowing what we felt for each other, it was draining me entirely.

But I wouldn’t just give up.

On the fourth day, Nelson had suggested something at breakfast; he wanted to make a painting of me on the upper deck and told me I could wear whatever I wanted.

Staring at the few dresses I had with me, it wasn’t a hard decision to make – I wanted to be painted in my mother’s dress. I stood in front of the mirror as I slipped it on, and for a moment, it was like I was staring at the reflection of my mother in her younger years.

I stared at the ring on my hand, before placing it on my chest, feeling my heartbeat beneath it. A surge of strength and courage flowed through me, as if my mother was speaking to me in that very moment.

Then, a memory flashed me by.  My mind took me back to the night I wore the dress while having a drink with Julie. I remembered how she complimented the dress, asked me about my mother, how I made a joke that wasn’t funny at all, and that hearing her laugh was the most beautiful thing that had ever entered my ears.

The memory made my lips curl up into a small smile. It was comforting, in a way.

I let my hair fall loose over my shoulders, hoping the sea breeze wouldn’t let it be in disarray.  I figured Nelson would know what to do with it, no matter the circumstances.

It was right before midday when I entered the upper deck. The weather was pleasant, the sun was high in the sky, and the sea breeze was lightly present. Luckily, it wasn’t all too crowded. There were several passengers wandering around, enjoying the view of the infinite sea, just chitchatting, or out for a breather.