to the ends of the earth

fifteen

After walking the grand staircase, I entered the corridor of my cabin, but immediately froze in my tracks.

Julie stood there leaning against the wall, waiting for me.

“Julie?” I called out.

I quickly glanced around, making sure no one else was around. My heart pounded in my chest, reminding me of the dangerous consequences this could have. But as I turned back to look at her, every thought in my mind was gone once her dark brown eyes – filled with so much longing and desperation – locked onto mine.

I walked up to the door of my cabin, quietly unlocking it. I hesitated for just a moment, but then opened the door wider, allowing her to slip inside. My head told me no, but my heart told me to just give in. With one last glance down the corridor, I stepped into the cabin, closing the door softly behind me.

I wanted to say something – how this was a terrible idea – but before I could even utter a word, I felt her lips crashing against mine. It was as if all the longing, all the fear and frustration of the past days poured into that kiss. I could feel it in the way she pressed against me, in the way her fingers tangled in my hair, pulling me closer. I melted into her, letting everything else fade away, letting myself get lost in her.

I returned the eagerness of her kisses as my hands found their way into her hair. With a slight struggle, I managed to get rid of the pins in her hair, backing away just enough to watch those brown locks cascade around her face.

My fingers moved by itself, reaching out to touch her face. I traced along her jaw, slowly moving up her cheeks, feeling the gentleness under my fingertips. A shaky breath escaped me at the way she leaned into it, closing her eyes in the process. My thumbs brushed over her eyebrows, then down the bridge of her nose, before finally reaching her lips.

Julie’s eyes fluttered open again, meeting mine with so much warmth, it made me drop my hands to my side. But just as swiftly,  she reached out to grab ahold of them. It was as if she didn’t want to go a second without my touch. I stared down at our intertwined hands, the ring that glistened on her finger a reminder of the catastrophic situation we’d found ourselves in.

We weren’t supposed to be doing this.

“Julie we c—”

“I’ve missed you so much,” she whispered, and I looked up to meet her pleading gaze.

“I’ve missed you too,” I responded, my voice unsteady with a mixture of fear and longing. “So much. But we just…” I squeezed her hands. “We cannot risk it.”

She shook her head, tightened her grip on my hands. “I can’t keep doing this. I can’t just pretend like there is nothing between us, when all I want is right in front of me. We… we will come up with an excuse. Just… do not push me away.”

“Julie, believe me, I want nothing more than to be with you,” I said, my voice barely audible. “But if Colin finds out... I don’t care what happens to me, but you... I can’t let anything happen to you.”

“Don’t you understand?” Her voice cracked, eyes burning with intensity. “It’s already happening to me. Every day, every minute I spend pretending with him, I feel like I’m disappearing, like I’m losing myself piece by piece. And the only thing keeping me together is you. You, Ragne.” She let go of one of my hands and reached up to cup my cheek, her touch soft, enchanting. “I can’t keep going if I don’t have you.”

I closed my eyes, leaning into her palm. I wanted so badly to believe that we could find a way, that we could make this work without tearing everything apart. But as much as I wanted to surrender, to lose myself in her, the fear was still there, lurking in the shadows.