A Million Hooks

Prologue:

{slow conversations with a gun mean more than i've ever said to anyone}

     I stood on the shore of the Jersey shore, staring out at the water as its waves crashed against my ankles, while all of my friends were gathered around the blazing fire drinking heartily and making out with one another. The water was cool and a bit frigid as I wrapped my sweatshirt a little bit tighter around myself as the late October breeze blew my hair in my face. 

     I always managed to do this somehow; I distanced myself from the group and got lost in my thoughts. I would watch as the debris created by Hurricane Sandy washed up on the shore around my feet and lose myself in the way the moonlight danced on the water. The sweeping sound of the waves sliding over the sand and crashing into the enveloped Seaside Heights roller coaster lulled me into a trance.

      I wonder what would happen if I fell into these waves. I thought, starting to lean foward a bit, and took a swig out of the bottle of beer in my hand. No one would notice. I'm invisible to them as always, completely insignificant to the group. Look, even Steve's having a better time without me. I wish the water would just take me in. I began to sway a little as the waves shook my stance, beckoning me into its depths.

     "Beth! Elizabeth! Come over here babe! Them waves are going to take you in!" My boyfriend Steve drunkenly screeched from the circle surrounding the fire, interrupting my thoughts.

      "Don't get your panties in a bunch! I'm coming!" I yelped, my voice slipping away with the wind.

      The uproar of laughter and screams started up again as I walked away from the shore towards the only heat source on the beach. Sitting down next to my trashed boyfriend was an event; I couldn't figure out whether he was trying to lean on me or if he was just falling over. I kept having to hold him up so he wouldn't eat a mouthful of sand and who knows what else was on the ground. 

        "Bethy, baby, I'm all good!" He slurred, his voice pitching when he said 'good'.

        "Just lean against me Steve. Take a little nap if you have to, it'll be okay." I smiled at him as he planted a sloppy kiss on my cheek.

        "Thanks babe, you da best." He slurred again, leaning against my shoulder and wrapping his arms around my waist.

        For the rest of the night we sat like that until I waited for someone to become somewhat sober again. I needed more man-power to get Steve off of me. He was dead weight when he fell asleep drunk, and he wouldn't wake up for anything.

        By the time the sun began to rise, I was able to pry him off of me with the help of my two friends, Grace and Johnathan. Walking back to the van, all I could hear was the soft padding of my feet on the sand and the rush of the water.

      Inside the van it was warm from the sun radiating into it earlier, which was comforting compared to the cool air outside, but I still left the door open. I pulled myself into the back seat and sprawled out, cuddling the blanket that I always made sure was there for nights like these. I bit down on a piece of the blanket and let out a soft scream, trying to keep from alarming anyone else. I was sick of being invisible, of being alone even when I was with Steve. I was tired of devulging my problems to no one, but it's not like anyone cared to ask what was wrong anyways.

      I let out another shriek and curled into a tighter ball, the lump in my throat growing. Warm tears grew cold as they fell down my face, the wind that entered the van blowing them everywhere.

      This is all you'll ever know Elizabeth, and it's all your own fault. I thought as I reached under the seat into my purse, pulling out a small razor from its pocket. I quick slid the razor over the bare skin on my thigh a few times and returned it back to my purse pocket.

      It's all your fault.