I wrote this for Dragon Con

Cringe

After dragging himself out of the lake, his body heavy with child - rather two, possibly three as the doctors were unsure at the time - Link finds himself in the middle of Hyrule Fields after completing the requirements of the grueling Temple of Time in the Great Sky Island. Panting, the expectant hero looks into the direction of Lookout Landing, having a sudden and intense craving.

A craving for pizza…or whatever this pizza idea is in his head. And Purah has his damn paraglider for some experiment of hers. So he makes the long trek towards the makeshift base, and as he does so, a sudden and intense pain in his abdomen. Link freezes, his face as stoic as ever as the sudden and almost unbearable cramping eventually passes.

Labor contractions have started, but he needs his pizza now. With this in mind, the Hylian Champion starts running to Lookout Landing in order to get his paraglider back. Once there, Purah sends Link on what might as well be a wild goose chase. Checking in on Captain Hoz and the search party, seeing Zelda spirit herself away, and then having to deal with testing the new Skyview Towers.

She does realize he's fucking pregnant, right? And experiencing labor contractions more and more frequently.

Luckily, right before another episode of debilitating pain that no one else seems to notice, Link finally obtains the paraglider. First obstacle down, now for the ingredients!

The Hylian remembers of the strange plant - Zelda decided to call them Hylian tomatoes - growing along the banks of Hylia River. On the way, he encounters a monster camp with some explosive barrels. Of course, the smart move was to use the barrels and blow up the camp, so Link heaves one over his shoulder and yeets it into the camp…blowing himself up in the process. All for the sake of some thick sticks and time bombs. However, he eventually gets to the river and procures the ripe, red tomatoes along with some nearby shock fruit. Something in him finds it funny before the contractions return with a vengeance.

Hateno is next on his list, as gifted by Apollo’s dodgeball of prophecy, Link somehow knows that this family there can make cheese. Hateno cheese is necessary for this pizza thing to work, but when he finally arrives at the large farm on the outskirts of town, this whiny ass bitch can't make the cheese without this bottle floating in the middle of her family's lake and of course she can't swim and grab it herself. So Link, the Hylian Champion, Hero of Hyrule, and expecting possibly three children…has to go and do this for her. But he's tired, in pain, and honestly can't be bothered if he didn't need this cheese.

So Link has the bright idea of using a set of zonai wings he found, uses the Ultra Hand ability to float it over the lake before bring it back to shore. With Recall, the Champion hops on top, grabs the stupid bottle, and makes it back on dry land once the wings return to the dock. Then this woman goes on and on about this being her grandfather or Great grandfather's recipe as she's taking her sweet ass time making this cheese as a shifty reward.

Swiftly taking the cheese, he uses the Purah Pad to transport himself back to Lookout Landing. It's wheat time, baby!

But wait, he doesn't have a sword to cut down grass and magically get Tabantha Wheat, which for some reason only spawns in that region. How is he ever going to make the dough, now?

A Hinox is how, as one is conveniently on a bridge towards that area. But unable to sneak upon it, thanks to a thing called pain and agony, the damn thing wakes up. So not poggers. Absolute o7, rigged. Through sheer luck, from the Hinox’s headbutt into the ground, the expectant Champion grabs onto the weapons dangling from its fat neck and escapes between its legs to the other side of the bridge.

Along the way, Link befriends a horse that tries to kill him and fittingly names it Baja Blast. Sword in hand, he makes it to his final destination and whacks the rusty blade at the grass recklessly. Labor pains are at an all time high, he can practically feel one of the babies crowning. And there it is, the wheat he has been looking for. Shoving the plant into his Purah Pad with all the other ingredients, the hero returns to Lookout Landing one final time. To cook this pizza and finally satiate this intense craving.

Throwing himself into the bunker, he scrambles his way to the cooking pot and smashes the three precious ingredients into the hot wok. Within a blink of an eye, those three ingredients somehow form a cohesive dough, sauce, and perfectly melty cheese for those click worthy cheese pulls as at last, Link's cheese pizza has been made.

But before he could take a single bite…it was time. They could not wait any longer. Finally crumbling to the floor, Link gives birth to Crunchwrap Supreme, Doodle, and You-Better-Pay-Your-Fucking-Child-Support-Sidon Jr…becoming a lovely and happy family of four.