chapter 9

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TW!! binging, purging

The house was silent except for the faint hum of the refrigerator

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The house was silent except for the faint hum of the refrigerator. I sat on the edge of my bed, the loneliness of the room pressing down on me like an unwelcome weight. The day had been long, each hour stretching out with an oppressive slowness that only deepened my sense of isolation. The fasting had been my way of coping, a misguided attempt to control something in a world that felt increasingly out of my grasp. I'd spent the day locked in a battle with myself, my thoughts constantly drifting back to the simple, comforting idea of food. It was always there, a temptation I tried to ignore, but one that seemed to grow more insistent with each passing hour.

I could feel the hunger gnawing at me, a relentless reminder of my self-imposed deprivation. The emptiness in my stomach was a cruel trick, making every thought of food more tantalizing. It was a vicious cycle, this hunger, this constant pull toward something I knew would only bring temporary relief and longer-lasting regret. The momentary satisfaction of eating was so often followed by an avalanche of guilt and self-loathing, yet it was a cycle I found hard to break.

The room felt suffocating, the silence only amplifying the disquiet inside my head. I stood up slowly, my limbs feeling heavy as if weighed down by invisible chains. The quiet of the house was oppressive, a stark contrast to the noise in my mind. I needed a distraction, something to occupy my thoughts and alleviate the pressure I felt building up inside me.

With each step I took toward the kitchen, my resolve weakened. The thought of food had become an obsession, a consuming fixation that overshadowed everything else. I descended the stairs with deliberate slowness, my mind racing through a whirlwind of thoughts and doubts. The hunger was a relentless presence, a demanding voice that urged me to seek out solace in something tangible, something sweet.

As I reached the kitchen, the sight of the counter made my heart skip a beat. There it was—a chocolate cake, sitting invitingly on the counter, its glossy frosting catching the light in a way that made it look almost ethereal. My eyes were drawn to it, and for a moment, I was lost in its allure. The cake seemed to shimmer with promise, a beacon of comfort amidst the sea of my turmoil.

I stood there, frozen, staring at the cake. The internal debate was a cacophony of conflicting thoughts and emotions. Part of me was screaming to walk away, to resist the temptation and stick to my fasting. This part of me was the rational voice, the one that knew the consequences, that understood the self-discipline I was trying to maintain. But another part, the darker part of me, was pleading to indulge, to give in to the craving and let the sweet, creamy chocolate offer its brief respite from the emptiness.

My hand reached out almost involuntarily, trembling slightly as it hovered over the cake. I could already feel the sugar on my tongue, the way the chocolate would melt and coat my mouth. The craving was overwhelming, a force of nature that I felt powerless to resist. I tried to talk myself out of it, to remind myself of the reasons I had been fasting, but the temptation was too strong.

behind the mask - scream 1996Where stories live. Discover now