Beneath the Surface

Sometimes I feel as if nobody understands me. Yes, I am really close to my family and friends and I tell them everything. But I don't really tell them anything. Deep down I feel as if nobody truly knows the real me. My friends view me as someone that is either happy or angry. But that is not me. I don't always express what I am thinking or feeling out of fear that people will view me differently and might not want to be my friends. I worry that I might end up saying the wrong thing. I definitely overthink things very often, people don't expect me to do this. I portray myself as someone who doesn't care about what others do, and what happens happens. But I do worry about things all the time. I wish I could express this with people but I don't feel comfortable enough. I love my friends and always feel comfortable around them, but ever enough to share these things. I feel alone in this thinking and that no one understands what I mean. I do not share very personal things with anyone because I fear that they'll judge me. Things like this affect me greatly and play on mind. I try to act strong because I hate people seeing me upset. I have never even cried in front of my best friends because I worry they will think less of me or look at me differently. When I had back problems from sport I would cry to myself and play it cool, I was in such bad pain though. I am a very emotional person but hate showing that side of myself.

I try to be that strong friend that everyone can talk to, I hear both sides to every story. This ends up with me getting stuck in the middle constantly. I always have to choose sides and even though I agree to stay friends with the other I always lose that friendship. I'm sick of having to choose sides, I just want my friends to stay friends. High school is hard enough as it is. Feeling the major expectations from my parents based on grades alone, when turning in an average grade and they expect more from me when I gave it my all. I feel the pressure from this but don't express this either. I think that I carry certain insecurities based on friendship from primary school. Where I would be asked to leave so that my "friends" could have private chats. Or when I would sit on the friendship bench and end up being too embarrassed to ask someone to play with me. When best friends would say that they just want to hang out just the two of them, so I would walk around with my favourite teachers. Also like when I would make a best friend and they would find a new one and leave me feeling lonely. Nowadays, I am used to not being invited. I pretend to be fine but I get very upset about this. I like having my alone time, but it stings when I don't get invited and everyone is hanging out. I hate the feeling of being alone but like my own time. It doesn't help when my friends go to parties or hang out with guys and my Mum doesn't let me go.

I also have many fears that only I know. Like the fear of death, I often find myself crying myself to sleep over this. What will happen to me after I die? Nothing, black. This scares the hell out of me. I often hyperventilate over this but nobody would ever know. I wouldn't dare tell my Mum because after a few minutes she wouldn't be as compassionate and probably end up yelling at me. She isn't mean but she sometimes doesn't have great patience.

But my biggest fear of all is the fear that I'll never be loved romantically. I worry that no one will ever like me. That my appearance isn't enough to attract someone long enough for them to get to know my personality. Guys these days are all jerks and so the ones you do like don't give you half a chance. I have been blocked by a guy before, but with no context. My parents had a rule that I had to talk to a guy before I added him, so I pulled myself together and congratulated him on his win. I almost threw up after I was so nervous. Then I added him. I really liked this boy. He didn't feel the same way apparently. But why? He never made the effort to get to know me. Did he not like what I looked like? I don't understand. He was the only guy I truly ever liked and he barely knew me. I knew lots of surface level things about him, but all he learnt about me was my name. He didn't even know my age, he thought I was younger than what I actually was. He also laughed at me with his friends, to this day I don't know what they said but this has affected me. Particularly when it comes to talking to other guys. I still like this boy to this day, but I need to remember my self worth. That if he doesn't want to get to know me then he isn't the one for me. But there is always the voice in the back of my head saying that I am not worthy of love.