poems of distress

sort of essay

What's the feeling that makes me smile like a fool, so wide and nonstop that I realize later I was smiling for so long when it should have been otherwise?
What's that feeling of care and wealth of someone?
When you wish for their well-being and health and for their eyes to crinkle when their lips form you.
What's the feeling of fear of losing them
And never hurt them?
It seemed so easy to me when I hadn't got the taste, I explained it with clear points to others.
How you feel how you experience butterflies in your stomach and tingles running down your arms.
Never want to let go...
But when I did , it made me doubt on the so called clear explanations
Do I love?
Can I love?
Have I ever loved? Even my parents?
It is horribly scary to not know if you love even after feeling thousand of things which you might considered as symptoms of love.
Love, a simple short word, with many but not a single impactful explanation.
I've heard it being described in utter ways, how their words sway and what their emotions convey.
The way they say they like their smile,
Their heart , their presence.
Down more their lips their eyes and the waist.
Never convinced me it's love.
Or how they feel utterly happy in their arms and never want to let go.
They say it's conditionless , but is it possible?
In this world where humans desire what pleases them , they say they want them
Isn't that a condition itself?
If the person changed , would they still be loved ?
If nothing is expected, isn't a minimum respect too unsaid ?
If they break something that wasn't even imagined, would they be still loved?
I never got the answers
It's just I've heard, by the words of   gracious divine god , that if you love them , let them be free, let them choose.
You don't own anybody, they do not belong to you.
You pluck a flower if you like and keep it to yourself but you let it be in the branch if you love it.
Quite a Deep meaning behind it and this has made the concept of love picture perfect in my head.
If that face is ruined, would your love still be the same? Will nothing change?
If they don't love you back and abuse you
Will you still love them the same?
Would you not hate the fact that you love them?
If love really happens without any reason, how does it happen? Do you just randomly get attached to a person by heart so much that then nothing else matters? They become something you can't lose at any cost Even if you don't have them in the first place?
It just gets terribly heartwrenching  unless they feel the same.
Isn't that rare?
Or does it even exists ?
Cuz for sure if you have any reason
Then it's not love...
For me it's either picture perfect or doesn't exist at all.
They grey Matter between these does not really appeals me , it simply just doesn't exist then , if you make it exist
There are millions of challenges you must face each day and get hurt , no?

Love is a diamond that not everyone can afford.
And I'm too poor to even think of having it.