The Lantern Bearers

chapter 25: what it should be

It's been a week since karma did what she did to me, and things certainly felt... different since then.

I was in a subconsciously depressed state. The best i could describe it was the feeling of hollowness, like something was taken, but i couldn't quite place my finger on what it was. Was it that "virginity" thing willow mentioned? I mean, physically, i feel the same, but at the same time, i don't.

I sat there, staring at the burn barrel flames with a bottle of scotch in my hand, not saying a word.

I know my boy and girl were worried sick over me, especially Yui. Each of them briefly passed me by, glancing at me as hours passed.

I didn't know how to feel about these sorts of things. I've never had to deal with them, the feeling of being taken advantage of and being used against my will. I guess one could say that i was "processing" things. Especially how i felt towards karma.

My attachment to her is strong, despite all she's done. I feel like she's processing things herself, but in a negative way. I wonder if this event impacted her in any way too, and if she's truly carrying my child or not, and if she'd let me have any involvement with their lives and not be a part of the striders again.

I guess you truly can't have your cake and eat it too, though....

My thoughts were interrupted when Yui sat by me and placed her hand on my thigh.

"You worry me, master." She said with concern.

"Bah, nothing to worry about." I said.

"Master....i detect high levels of stress, and anxiety coming from your body. By feeling your thigh, i detect high blood pressure too." She said plainly.

Geez, does she have to read me like a fucking book??

I took a drink of scotch and stared on, at the fire.

".....she wasn't always like this....she was someone i could count on....we ate together, slept in the same bed, shared desserts, we did everything together since we were children, onward......she snapped because i abandoned her....its all my fault....i had it coming...." i said, lowering my gaze to the dirt.

"There is a contradiction to that logic, master." She said.

I looked at her with a raised brow.

"You have done everything together and have become close, why didn't she go with you? Why did she choose a violent path? Why did she choose to hurt you, master?" She asked.

"She was faithful to the striders and didn't let me leave without a fight. It made her snap and lose herself." I explained.

She shook her head.

"She prioritized the strider organization over you, logic is not sound. It is apparent that your importance and feelings is second to the organization. Had she have felt so strongly towards you, she would have understood your feelings and would have either let you go or went with you to haven 38. You owe her nothing, master." She explained bluntly.

Her saying that, opened a new view on karma. I have been making excuses for her when she has none and literally could have just came with me that day and lived with me in peace, but she put the organization and killing above me, who she claimed was important.

"......she breeded with me and it was very uncomfortable. I didn't want to do that with her. I assume it will be uncomfortable and unpleasant next time i do it. I don't want to breed ever again." I said, drinking some more.

"Your perception of breeding is misguided and misunderstood. From the data gathered, it is a pleasant experience between male and female. Maybe it was unpleasant, because it was an incompatible individual and it was forced upon you, rather than occurring naturally. Perhaps with a more compatible partner, it would be much more of a pleasurable experience, master." She explained.