MASKING 101

1:....Stims

I was sitting against the outer wall of my school building bleeding, I was probably going to be bruised and scabbed tomorrow but I didn't think it mattered that much; my mom on other hand would probably say otherwise since she was a doctor, but again I didn't really care. I stared at the opposite wall noticing the browns and reds in the bricks as the coppery taste of my blood refilled my mouth. My fidget cube was smashed on the asphalt, my clothes were dirtied and my homework was in shreds, then again it wasn't anything new to me. Even before I was diagnosed with autism I was already labeled as "Odd" and a "Freak" at school and in my everyday life.

I'm Emory Rose Katz and I'm Autistic..... 

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I was shaking and rocking back and forth trying to process Jude and his friends pounding my face in; my shaking worsened as did the rocking when a pair of well used Nike sneakers came into my peripheral vision thinking it was Jude coming to finish me off, the shaking turned into lip biting and the rocking became harder; tears refilled my bloodshot eyes, they were hot and stung my bloody jaw as they coursed down my cheeks. Soon the sneakers turned into ripped up jeans and a sweater vest over a white button down. "Hey, are you alright?" they asked, the person had a noticeable lilt to their voice, I nodded hoping they would take that information and leave, however I wasn't so lucky, instead of leaving they slid down the graffitied wall next to me; they seemed to be perfectly content to sit next to me and hum some sort of melody. 
"Do you need me to call somebody for you?" They asked after a minute, I took a minute to think about how a neuro-typical/normal person would answer, I wasn't exactly normal  to a lot of people, I fidget (stim), and become mute when something or someone overwhelmed me, I also hid to escape judgement. "....Uh...no..." I finally answered standing shakily and started stuffing my ripped up papers into my backpack. "my name's Wren by the way." They introduced themself, my mind raced to find the correct answer but I came up short Wren offered me their hand to help me up. "It's okay, I get it." they assured me. I stood up brushing myself off avoiding their almond colored hand at all costs. "Can I help you get home?" Wren asked as they stuffed their hands into the large pockets of their pants.
Wren was curvy like a girl but their voice sounded very much like a boy, why was that? My fidget cube was beyond repair which meant I had to stop at Craig's Depot on my way to the playground where my dad picked me up to buy another cube or two. "Um...could you walk me to the...um store?" I cringed at the sound of my voice, Wren beamed. "Yeah sure what store?" They asked, I focused on their unruly hair which was rich brown and very, very curly. I picked up my bag and started walking down the sidewalk stepping over the cracks, forgetting that Wren was walking next to me I started tapping my fingers on my leg. Wren noticed the stim and probably thought I was weird and regretted agreeing to walk with me to the store. "You okay?" They sounded genuinely concerned about me, I shoved my hands into my jacket pockets feeling Wren's indigo eyes watching me judging and scrutinizing me because I had let the stupid stupid stim slip. "Sorry, I feel like an ass." They apologized when I sped up, I was focused on one thing and that was Craig's Depot, it was half a block away from the school. Usually while I was there I would talk to Andy who worked at the store during the week through the afternoons; she had ADHD so she kind of understood how my brain worked, then again she was kind of mean when she was hanging out with her neuro-typical (NT) friends at the register. Wren had caught up and started humming, I found myself listening to the easy flowing tune as it left Wren's mouth. "I didn't mean anything by asking if you were okay." they told me as I pressed the crosswalk button, as cars continued driving Wren started talking again, I wanted quiet, I wanted to be left alone. As soon as the walk symbol flashed on I bolted across the street and into the small novelty shop that was Craig's Depot. Andy and her (NT) friends were chatting about teenager things when I entered and started laughing in my direction when they noticed that I had entered the shop, trying my best to ignore the laughter I walked over to the shelves that were stocked with fidget toys, it was too much the laughter, my mind replaying the scorn and bullying I suffered through the school day, the 70's music blaring over the speakers and the smell of bubblegum and perfume, I ran over to a corner between the comic book shelves and covered my ears and squeezed my eyes tight wishing I had my headphones, the fidget cube I had come to the store to replace since it helped during the aftermath of a meltdown, all I could do was rock back and forth with my whole body shaking, the air was felt thick while I was breathing in rapid shallow breaths; I was sobbing into my knees begging for for it to stop, I heard the front door open adding to the noise and a voice with a lilt asking about me followed by one of Andy's friends laughing and telling them to just leave and forget about me.