MASKING 101

6: Nightmares

"-You'll never be normal and I'm ashamed to have you as my daughter!" Mom screeched...I was back in the memory but now I had blood soaked clothes, I was shuddering as sobs wracked my body. "Useless!" Mom screamed, another foot long gash cut through my middle resulting in even more blood, I was dying...

(end of dream) 

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I woke up screaming....the lights were off and the bandaging on my arm burned, I quickly tore the wrapping off exposing the dozen slashes to the air, the door was open and the rejected soup was still on my nightstand, Arnie and Titus were skewed across the bed as far as I saw from the moonlight shining through the window in the room. The dream was so real seeming, I stumbled out of bed and made it to the end of the bed before falling to my knees with panic surging in my body like lava or a black hole sucking everything out of space, panic felt like a black hole; my hands were planted on the ground and I was heaving trying to regain control looking for something to focus on; my cuts ached to be itched and to bleed freely, I scratched at the scabs that had formed over the course of my nightmarish dreams. Will came into the room as pain bloomed in the forefront of my mind as my arm bled taking the edge off the panic that had seized control of my body. The blood was wet on my skin allowing my focus to shift to the searing pain, Will knelt in front of me in socks and basketball shorts, his hair was wild and his eyes were sleepy with pronounced dark rings underneath them. "Hey, it's alright Emory." He pulled me into a hug and I was grateful that he had a tank top on as the side of my face was pressed against his chest. "Nightmares?" He asked sleepily, I nodded; he let me go before standing and grabbing Arnie off the bed. "Come on." He helped me up and handed me the red panda toy before taking the bowl from the side table. I followed him to the bathroom where he pointed to the toilet. "You're bleeding." He pointed out bluntly, I guess even if he was exhausted he was still noticing things like blood. I sat on the toilet with the lid down while he took the first-aid kit out from underneath the sink, after pulling on a pair of gloves slowly Will soaked another washcloth and gently cleaned the surrounding area of the cuts. "Almost done." he told me as he put a nonstick gauze pad on the reopened gashes and taped it down with med tape. Will cleaned everything up then led me downstairs into the kitchen after setting the now emptied bowl in the sink he switched on the lava lamp next to the stove before filling a shallow pot with water from a plastic jug. "You can sit down, I'm making tea." He explained as he turned the dial on the stove making the flame appear underneath the pot. "Will?" I asked, he turned and yawned. "hmm?" He answered. "Why are you doing this?" I asked, He shrugged and before sitting next to me he set two intricate clay mugs and a box of tea bags next to the jar of honey on the table. "Cause," He replied before grabbing a jar of peanut butter and a pack of Ritz crackers from the shelf next to the stove. "You should eat some of these. " He tapped the package as the water boiled. I looked at the crackers waiting for the moment when they were snatched away. "Em, eat a couple crackers." Will encouraged as he put a tea bag in each mug. the crackers looked good but part of me knew better. Will looked at me definitely more awake as he opened the package of crackers and set a stack of at least seven crackers in front of me along with a large spoonful of peanut butter. "Eat." He told me, I looked at the circular stack and decided to test my luck, the salt was surprisingly pleasant on my tongue as was the richness of the nut butter. Will nodded and smiled slightly as he poured the water into the mugs and setting a spoonful of honey into each of them. "Good yeah?" He asked as he split a cracker in his hand, I nodded eagerly as the taste filled my mouth; Dad got me sweets that I was able to devour while Mom was at work and he didn't buy crackers in general so I found myself looking at the half eaten package of crackers still hungry; Will noticed and slid the package over to me. "Don't eat so quick that you vomit, food's meant to be eaten in healthy moderation." He reminded me but didn't take the snack from me and allowed me to slowly reach for the peanut butter. "I'm glad you're eating a bit more freely now." He commented between quiet sips of his tea. I looked at him and he seemed to know what sentence was gonna come out of my mouth next. "You don't have to be sorry for eating food Emory; and you're welcome." He answered as he pushed the mug of herbal tea in front of me. After slowly eating three more crackers slathered in peanut butter I took a long drink from the mug. "Thank you." I mumbled, he nodded as he watched the sky start to lighten, Gumbo somehow knowing it was morning ran down the stairs with his tail wagging behind him. "Good morning to you too dog." Will remarked as he unlocked the back door to let the dog outside to relieve himself. I watched Will do this and noticed dark bruises on his shoulder blades. After letting the dog out he came and sat back down. "What did you mean...by eating freely?" I asked, Will set his cup aside and took a navel orange out of the bag on the table. "Since you came here, you haven't eaten much of anything unless Sawyer or I practically shove it into you and even then you didn't eat as much as you probably should." He explained as he peeled the fruit. I looked at the food in front of me and all of a sudden felt guilty and fat; I pushed it all away from me and pulled my knees up to my chest. "You okay?" Will asked, I contemplated my options and found I felt horrible lying to him so I shook my head. "Does is have  anything to do with my answer?" He asked, I nodded. "What emotions are you feeling right now?" Will asked, trying to think of a good way to explain myself I started drumming my fingers on the tabletop stopping almost immediately after. Will didn't say anything just sat there patiently waiting. "Guilty...and fat, Mom calls me greedy and tells me that if she ever found me eating something that broke the rules of the diet she has me on she'd send me to an....." I looked at my brother who was listening to every word. "An institution? does Scott know she's doing this to you?" He asked as he peeled the pith off his fruit. "Only a little about the diet.." I explained quietly, Will ate three segments of the orange before answering. "damn..is there something that you want to eat, you don't have to eat anymore but I'm just asking cause you've got school in a bit." I looked at the pile of fruit in bags and noticed a lonely pear sitting among the peaches. "Can...I have that..pear?" I asked timidly, Will nodded as he picked it up and sliced it. He set the fruit in front of me on a plate. "You're making great progress," He assured me as I looked at the fleshy food sitting on the plate; the guilt of eating sat heavy in my stomach threatening to toss anything I ate back up. Will noticed my hesitation to eat but he seemed to understand. "I can save it for you." Will offered, I nodded shamefully; I knew I was being wasteful which didn't make it any easier. Will gave me a slow smile and patted me on my upper arm. "It's alright Em, I do the same thing." He assured me as he covered the sliced fruit with plastic wrap. I watched as he put the paper plate in the fridge and sat back down. "Emory, it is completely fine." Will told me bluntly, I looked at him and tried my freaking best not to lose my shit, Will apparently saw my struggle and got up. "Can I hug you?" He asked, I looked at his shirt which had a red cross symbol on the breast of it. "Um..." I couldn't verbally tell him that yes I wanted a hug or anything that would apply pressure to my tense body. "Just a nod or shake would be okay." He said after seeing my speaking problem, I took a very deep breath in attempt to squash my constant panic; in the end I ended up nodding and Will gave amazing hugs for what I needed them for. He might've just picked up on my silent cues or something but nonetheless the pressure he applied to the hug was one of the best. "It'll be alright." He told me after I pulled away. "Thank you." I murmured before scooping Arnie off the table and almost running into my bedroom to get ready for school; while I pulled on one of my favorite shirts I heard Will laughing, I froze listening hoping he wasn't laughing about me; tears flooded my eyes and I stood there with my shirt halfway on my torso. Sawyer came into the room with a wide grin on her face which didn't make me feel any better, when she saw me the smile dropped off her face. "Hey, are you okay Em?" She asked, I backed up and turned away from her. "Are you having trouble with something?" Sawyer asked as she stepped into the room further. "I'm okay." I lied pulling my shirt the rest of the way on, Sawyer left with a sigh and I was halfway into my shoes when Will appeared leaning on the door frame. "Sawyer said you were having a hard time." He said, I finished tying my shoes before stuffing my school books into my bag and making my bed. "I'm fine." I answered as I smoothed the sheets, Will came into the room with a bag on his shoulder dressed in scrubs with his water bottle hanging in his right hand. "You're obviously not Emory," He set the bag and water bottle down in front of the dresser. "I'm fine, please go away." I decided before setting Titus and Arnie on top of the pillows and straightening the alarm clock on the nightstand, Will obliged and left; I shouldered my backpack and looked at the pandas on my bed before giving them each a pat on the head and leaving the room. Sawyer was in the kitchen cooking something and Will was sitting on the armrest of the couch. "Ready?" He asked, I nodded and we left.