Baby Steps

Chapter 6

Smiley faced

There are days when my pen refuses to write. Not because I am not thinking, but because all the good thoughts escaped my hold. And the thoughts that I have, them I can't grasp. Maybe this is how neutrons feel about electrons going around them. So close yet out of reach. Anyways, today is not one of those days.

I feel good! Things are going their rightful course. I am acing my exams, I feel as healthy as can be, I am exercising daily, the things I hate about myself haven't made an appearance in a while and most of all I can feel myself changing. I can see another me being shaped by all the habits and the changes in my lifestyle. I can see her happiness growing and the random depression episodes disappearing. I can feel my thoughts actively and they are good ones. And that, that is what dream are made of.

I met someone. Honestly, I don't think met is the right word, more of I saw someone today. And like a moth to flame I was immediately attracted to him. His confidence called out to me, the ease with which he walked, talked, smiled and simply existed. It was intoxicating.

My gaze kept drifting to his direction as if it was no longer mine but his. I analyzed every move, every word out of his mouth and tried to see if this, like every other confidence, is a facade. I couldn't find a tell. Interesting! Don't worry, I didn't look creepy, just into the conversation, which I was. Mostly.

I wanted to actively engage and have a conversation. But at the same time I didn't want to. So I sat and listened, only talking when addressed directly. I kept analyzing as if the more I look at him the faster the answers will come. If my friends found my staying silent weird they didn't say. At least till we were on our own merry way walking to get food. One friend guessed right. "You were in your head, weren't you?" Thank God they didn't ask more, or they would have known.

The very next day, I find out that he is a fellow classmate. Which took me by surprise. How could I have missed him? I asked around and I was told that he and a bunch of others were added to our class because of some inconvenience blah blah blah. Bureaucracy thing going on. Anyways, ....

It was perfect. Another opening for me to try and peer into his soul and find out what he is made of. The results were the same. I didn't find anything new!

All I found is that he loves smiling, and his pearly whites. He is a fan of anyone who challenges the system and he wants to one day do something similar he will be proud of. He chugs water like there is no tomorrow. And he listens with laser focus but he has tells when he isn't. (He gets this faraway look which can be mistaken for attention. Probably why he never lands in trouble.) He loves socializing. Although stage isn't his comfort place, he is a stage person. He loves food. I mean, don't we all. And he, he is amazing....