Baby Steps

Chapter 7

Somewhere in between

I thought of him and I thought of her. I wanted so badly to pick up my pen and write them. Put them on paper. Try to make sense of what really happened, their reality versus what I thought. But I realize I couldn't.

She was falling or was she just happy to have him around? She felt the flutter, but she also did when she won that award. Is he a price in her head? Someone to call hers? She could see her life with him in it, but she can do that with a total stranger as well. Afterall, she is the queen of delusions. She could talk easier with him than she could with most, but there are a bunch of others she is truly herself with plus she isn't even fully herself with him. Yet. And from the looks of it, not for too long.

As for him, he liked her I guess, but I don't know him enough to know if he did. He talks to her and with her. He laughs and makes jokes but they also have serious talks. He looks at her like she matters but he does so with everyone else, just because that's the kind of person he is, he just cares. He gets her when she talks, it feels like he relates but who knows in this age and time, faking things is as easy as breathing. Maybe he is genuine. He tries to never disappoint, to always make her happy. Maybe he feels obliged since they are close and says okay for the sake of it. Follows her lead because he knows she needs it.

I tried to judge as a third person, from the outside looking in. I tried to weight all the unbiased evidences I could find. I tried to make a fair judgement to decide. I tried everything I could think of doing. But nothing worked because however much I may try, me and her, we can never be different entities. I couldn't discern her reality from the thoughts because me and her, we are one and the same. She is me in the same way I am her.

Is it possible I am in love?

My heart skips a beat when I see his smile. I feel utter peace when he is by my side. I enjoy the annoying stupid things he says like I enjoy his deep insightful thoughts. I can't seem to imagine a life without him that I could enjoy, but then I did live years before I knew him. I care for him truly. I just want to see him strive and get what he wants and deserves. That he works for what he wants and actually attain it. I wish the best for him. But then I do for most else maybe not to this level. I can't tell exactly what I feel and I can't accept it because I don't know why. Knowing would have made things easier.

I asked my friend what she feels when she is with her man. She said, "Words can't describe it. But if I must, I had say like looking at the rain while cuddled in my blanket drinking hot coffee. Comfortable and safe."

Why is my head in chaos then? Conflicting thoughts running rampant. Well, maybe, as for every person a way of thought, for every person a way of feeling. And our ways are just different. Or maybe, a crush is known to crush you and mine did the same.