Why I Left You

Chapter two

trigger warning: self harm

Later that day I sat cross-legged on my bed reading Nathaniel's note. All it said was his number and 'call me' in really nice printing. As I was turning it over in my hand for the millionth time, I heard Kiara unlocking the door. I put the note down and went to see her.

" Hey, thank you for helping me this morning. I was a total mess, sorry." I told her as she walked through the door.

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure you would have done the same for me if our positions were reversed!"

"You're right, but the outfit would not be as cute." I laughed.

"I know I'm asking for a lot of favors but, I need help with something," I asked her shyly as she plopped down on her bed face down, and kicked off her shoes.

"One you're not asking too many favors, and two, what is it?" she said as she rolled over and sat up to look at me.

"Well- you know what let me just go grab it." I came back a moment later with the note in hand. I passed it to her and sat down on the end of her bed crossing my legs.

"What does he look like?"

" Well, he's hot."

"Vi, is it okay if I call you that?" she asked quickly stopping herself.

" Yeah, sure," I said indifferently. I had a lot of nicknames at home but 'Vi' was the one I liked most.

"okay, Vi, I'm gonna need more than 'he's hot'"

" Okay! Okay! So he's tall, like really tall. Probably somewhere between 5'10 and 6'0"

"Damn." That was her only comment.

"He has curly black hair, it might just be dark brown, it's kind of a mess I guess?

"Damn," She repeated.

"He's got brown eyes, he's tan, and has the most toned muscles I have ever seen." I finished off.

"DAMN! Okay, what's his name again?"

"Nathaniel"

"Girl! Why haven't you texted him yet?"

"I'm just not sure about him" I finally voiced my doubts. There was just something in me screaming to be cautious.

"What is it about him that makes you nervous?" She asked she had a sympathetic look on her face.

" I just met him today, and sure he is perfect, but to what cost?"

"Valid concern but what you'll never know if you never call him. I'd say wait until after dinner to call him so you can say you have to go to bed if you want to get off the phone quickly."

"Okay, smart. But what are we having for dinner?"

"I have no idea. Grocery shopping trip?" She asked with a quick laugh.

" Okay let me go get a jacket, I'll meet you at the door." I got up off her bed and headed to my dresser. I grabbed my favorite pullover jacket. I headed to the door where Kiara was waiting for me.

After dinner, Kiara said she was going to take a shower, so I took that as an opportunity to call Nathaniel. I slowly dialed his number and waited. I put the phone on speaker and placed it in front of me. I was bout to hang up when he answered in the last tone.

"Hey, I thought you weren't going to call." God, even his voice was hot!

"Sorry, I had a busy day. So why did you want me to call you?"

"Well, I assume you like books?" He paused, I waited a few seconds too long to respond.

"I- um, yes. I like books." Why was I being so awkward right now?

"Good. I found a library on campus that I think you'd like." What was he doing? This is wrong. I needed to get out of this.

"Okay, shit, it is late, I need to go. Sorry."

"No Problem. I'll be at Starbucks on Thursday at one if you want to come."

" Cool, I'll think about it." I hung up without saying goodbye. As I put my phone on the charger My hands were shaking. There was something seriously wrong with him.

"Hey, how'd the call go?" Kiara asked from the doorway, her hair still dripping onto her t-shirt.

"I-, I don't know. Something just feels wrong about him. Like why is a total stranger asking me out on a date? It just doesn't seem to write. He asked me to meet him at the Starbucks this coming Thursday, I'm not going." I explained.

"Okay. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. Anyway, I'm going to bed. I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay, thanks" I called out after her. That night I didn't read, I just laid awake for a few hours staring at the ceiling. I tended to overthink things, but it hasn't been this bad in a while. My mind felt like it was racing at a hundred miles per hour while I lay still in bed. I had been clean for three months. I tried hard not to reach for the knife that I knew was in the front pocket of my backpack. In two minutes I caved. I grabbed the knife and headed to the bathroom. I locked the door behind me and slid down the door.

Ever so slowly I pressed the blade to my wrist where all the other scars were. I dragged it across my wrist feeling every single prick of the blade as it cut through the delicate. I did it twice more and started to feel the sting of tears in my eyes. I watched the blood run down my arm as I held it up. I was so red, I found the color to be beautiful, mature, and deadly. when the blood made it halfway down my forearm I stood up and washed the cuts. After I turned the sink off I closed my eyes. The water felt the same as the blood did on my arm.

I wrapped my wrist in a bandage and headed back to my bed. I deserve this. I'm not good enough. All the thoughts that I had to train myself not to hear when I was in high school were coming back to me.

The next morning I woke up and emailed my old therapist. I made it three months this time. That was progress. Last time I was only clean for six weeks. That's a win. I tried to convince myself into believing that this was good. But all that settled into my head was the fact that I cut again. I failed everyone by cutting myself again.

A/N if anyone ever needs someone to talk to about self harm, or anything else just message me! I would be happy to talk. I understand what is like to be in a place where you do that and would do anything to help others get better too.